Thought for the Day: Into the ether...
May 25, 2006

First things first:
The theme of today's entry is "Signatures"

In honor of my first sig file in a long time that comes from someone I actually know (see bottom), here is the list of every sig file quote I have used since the start of my sophomore year in college.

09/10/97
"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
-- Stan, South Park

09/17/97
"If something's worth doing it's worth doing for money."
-- Gordon Gecko
Wall Street (1987)

09/26/97
"Your confusing thesis has captured my attention, tell me more."
-- Bill McNeal
NewsRadio

10/02/97
"Hey, Mike, you think you can toss me my calculations? Thanks! Ah, here it is. 'Breach Hull - All Die.' Even had it underlined."
-- Crow T. Robot
MST3K: The Movie (1996)

10/14/97
"Yahtzee!"
-- Kenny Mayne
ESPN SportsCenter

10/21/97
"Picture a weasel -- and most of us can do that, for we have met that little demon of destruction, that small atom of insensate courage, that symbol of slaughter, sleeplessness, and tireless, incredible activity -- picture that scrap of demoniac fury, multiply that mite some fifty times, and you have the likeness of a Wolverine."
-- Ernest Thompson Seton

11/04/97
"All lies lead to the truth."
-- Agent Dana Scully
The X-Files

11/12/97
"All I know is that my knowledge stems from some bizarre ability to remember every TV show I have ever watched. Now if they would only put Econ on in prime time, I'd be all set."
-- Craig Daniel Barker

11/18/97
"There's nothing wrong with being shallow, as long as you are insightful about it."
-- Dennis Miller
They Shoot HBO Specials, Don't They?

12/02/97
"Oh my God, he only has one ass. He's of no use to me, I'll have to burn the room."
-- The Genetic Engineer
"Episode 105"
South Park

12/12/97
"Self-depreciating wit, I have built a whole empire upon it."
-- Conan O'Brien

12/22/97
"OK, that's it, screw you guys, I am going home. Talking poo is where I draw the line."
-- Eric Cartman
South Park

01/07/98
"Oh, I am going to lose my job just because I am dangerously unqualified!"
-- Homer Simpson
"Homer Goes To College"
The Simpsons

01/16/98
"It's yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility."
-- Chris Knight
Real Genius (1985)

01/30/98
"Lisa, in this house, we obey the law of thermodynamics!!"
-- Homer Simpson
"The PTA Disbands"
The Simpsons

02/06/98
"There are no such things as limits to growth, because there are no limits on the human capacity for intelligence, imagination, and wonder."
-- Ronald Wilson Reagan
Address at the University of South Carolina-Columbia
September 20, 1983
Happy 86th Birthday Mr. President

02/07/98
"Lisa, in this house, we obey the law of thermodynamics!!"
-- Homer Simpson
"The PTA Disbands"
The Simpsons

02/13/98
"If I do my full duty, the rest will take care of itself."
-- General George S. Patton, Jr.
Patton (1970)

02/15/98
U.N. Guy: So, Mr. Evil...
Dr. Evil: It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.
-- Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

02/16/98
"Canadians are always dreaming up a lotta ways to ruin our lives. The metric system, for the love of God! Celsius! Neil Young!"
-- Gus
Canadian Bacon (1994)

02/16/98
"You know, I have one simple request, and that is to have sharks with freakin' laser beams attached to their heads. Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here!"
-- Dr. Evil
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

03/03/98
"Off the record, yes. But, officially, I did it for the money."
--Cecil Terwilliger
"Brother from Another Series"
The Simpsons

03/09/98
"NBC announced this week that they would be renewing Caroline in the City for another season. When reached for comment, atheists across the country said 'See, I told you so!'"
-- Colin Quinn
Weekend Update, Saturday Night Live

03/22/98
"I'm gonna sink this bitch."
-- Tom Servo
as Titanic's Captain E.J. Smith
MST3K

03/30/98
"Adam Oates for Bernie Federko, my ass!"
-- Steve Yzerman (supposedly)
May 16, 1996
Western Conference Semis
Game 7, Double OT

04/08/98
"It's Josh Langfeld and Michigan is the National Champion"
-- Steve Levy
April 4, 1998
NCAA Hockey Championship Game
FleetCenter, Boston, MA

04/20/98
THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN WOLVERINES:
1998 COLLEGE BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONS

04/21/98
The University of Michigan Wolverines:
1997 College Football National Champions
1998 NCAA Ice Hockey National Champions
1998 College Bowl National Champions
"It's been a very good year."

05/06/98
"Adam Oates for Bernie Federko, my ass!"
-- Steve Yzerman (supposedly)
May 16, 1996
Western Conference Semi-Finals
Game 7, 1:56 into Double OT

05/25/98
"But, it's important to learn how to weasel out of things. It's what separates us from the animals, well, except the weasel."
-- Homer Simpson
The Simpsons

07/13/98
"I was in the audio-visual club too, until the kicked me out because of my views on Vietnam, well, that and I was stealing projectors."
-- Homer Simpson
The Simpsons

08/04/98
"Oh please, you guys. For the first time in my life, I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions."
-- Homer Simpson
"You Only Move Twice"
The Simpsons

08/18/98
"Sometimes I wonder if I've changed so much, my wife is even gonna recognize me whenever it is I get back to her...and how I'll ever be able to...tell about days like today. Ahh, Ryan...I don't know anything about Ryan, I don't care. The man means nothing to me, he's just a name. But if, you know, if going to Remeal, and finding him so he can go home, if that earns me the right to get back to my wife, well then, then that's my mission."
-- Captain John Miller
Saving Private Ryan (1998)

09/28/98
"Well, this has been kind of fun, but I must really run. I'm conducting a seminar for multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags"
-- Dr. Niles Crane, MD, Ph.D.
Frasier (1995)

10/04/98
Dr. Niles Crane: "For example, did you know this very lake is 89 meters deep and boasts 50 varieties of fish!"
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Oh, Alex, I'll take bodies of water for $500."
-- "Breaking the Ice"
Frasier (1995)

10/19/98
"Oh dear, look at the time. I have a session with my multiple personality. Well, not to worry. If I'm late, he can just talk among himself."
-- Dr. Niles Crane
Frasier (1995)

10/26/98
"Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to, but I had a crisis with a patient. One of my multiples has a new personality emerge - a 110-year-old Frenchwoman. It would have been too risky to put off his therapy. Plus I would have missed out on a wonderful recipe for bouillabaisse."
-- Dr. Niles Crane
Frasier (1995)

11/12/98
"If Quebec secedes from Canada, can they still be called the Montreal Canadiens?"
-- David Wallace

11/20/98
"A leader is a man who can adapt principles to circumstances."
--General George S. Patton, Jr.
Patton (1970)

12/03/98
"Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me?"
--Homer Simpson
"The Last Temptation of Homer"
The Simpsons

12/07/98
"Hey, Mike, you think you can toss me my calculations? Thanks! Ah, here it is. 'Breach Hull - All Die.' Even had it underlined."
-- Crow T. Robot
MST3K: The Movie (1996)

12/21/98
"Bon jour, you cheese eating surrender monkeys."
-- Groundskeeper Willy
"Round Springfield"
The Simpsons

01/01/99
"There is fate, but it only takes you so far, because once you're there, it's up to you to make it happen."
-- Angel
Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

01/11/99
"The mass evacuation of Saigon has begun. Quite frankly, this reporter doesn't mind telling you he's scared to death and he's not sure he'll make it out here alive. Holy sh!t, is that true?!"
-- Jon Stewart

01/19/99
Steve Dunne: "You know, in a parallel universe, we're probably a scorching couple."
Janet Livermore: "But in this one, neighbors."
-- Singles (1992)

02/01/99
"Top of the line in utility sports, unexplained fires are a matter for the courts. Canyonero! Canyonero!"
--Hank Williams, Jr.
"The Last Temptation of Krust"
The Simpsons

02/07/99
"I have captured the signal and am presently triangulating the vectors and compressing the data down in order to express it as a function of my hand... They're Over There!"
--Professor John Frink
"Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"
The Simpsons

02/14/99
"I'm a Catholic, sir; I can feel guilty about anything."
--EADA Ben Stone
"Prisoner of Love"
Law & Order

02/28/99
"I'm a Catholic, Captain; I believe in anything that makes me nervous."
--Lt. (j.g.) Tim O'Neill
"Watergate"
seaQuest DSV

03/07/99
Nathan Barclay:
"He and his father, they're all alike with their Irish temper. They lose control and the next thing you know you have a murder..."

EADA Jack McCoy:
"Oh so Harrigan did it because he's a Mick? Detective Logan is a Mick. I'm a Mick, sir and if you don't shut up I'll loose control and throw you out of the room!"
"Wannabe"
Law & Order

03/14/99
March 17, St. Patrick's Day
Phoenix Coyotes at Detroit Red Wings
Joe Louis Arena, Detroit
"Funny as they are, jokes about Brendan Shanahan and green beer just perpetuate bad stereotypes."
"W2W4-March 22, 1999"
ESPN: The Magazine

03/21/99
"That's bad. You do that, you go to the box, you know. Two minutes by yourself, and you feel shame. And then you get free."
-- Denny Lemieux
Slapshot (1977)

03/28/99
"I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily over-emphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: 'Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America,' or 'Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.' "
-- Dave Barry
"An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"

04/03/99
"Camaro: The official car of 'peaked in high school!' "
-- Tom Servo
"Hobgoblins"
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1998)

04/10/99
"It looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State."
-- Ned Flanders
"Mom and Pop Art"
The Simpsons (1999)

04/17/99
"If there's been one big change in me it's that now I enjoy the moment more, I savor it...and I think more about something my father once told me: 'Enjoy every shift because each one brings you one shift closer to your last.' "
-- Wayne Gretzky, #99
December 1997

04/24/99
Unparalleled intensity.
Sudden Death.
One win keeps you in;
16 takes it all.
Get Cup Crazy!
-- NHL Promotions Department (1999)

05/03/99
Monty Burns: "...I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time..."
Homer Simpson: "A sober Irishman?"
Monty Burns: "Even rarer than that."
"Monty Can't Buy Me Love"
The Simpsons (1999)

05/10/99
"Chicks dig the long ball."
- Greg Maddux to Tom Glavine
Nike commercial (1999)

05/17/99
Homer: "And I invested in something called 'NewsCorp"
Lisa: "Dad, that's Fox!"
Homer: "Agghh, undo, undo!"
"Thirty Minutes over Tokyo"
The Simpsons (1999)

05/22/99
"Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumb-ass."
-- Red Forman
That 70s Show (1998)

05/25/99
"...and young Skywalker, we shall watch your career with great interest."
--Senator Palpatine of Naboo
Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

06/01/99
William Shatner: "And I thought I saw this...this thing out on the wing."
John Lithgow: "I've had the same thing happen to me!"
--Third Rock from the Sun (1999)

06/15/99
"Smithers had foiled my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the way, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence."
--C. Montgomery Burns
"Who Shot Mr. Burns: Part II"
The Simpsons

06/23/99
Horatio: "Good night sweet prince, and a flight of angels sing thee to thy rest."
Tom Servo: "Unfortunately, it's a Northwest flight, so you'll be late."
--"Hamlet"
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1999)

07/08/99
"I said Good Cop, Bad Cop, not Good Cop, Gestapo."
--Doug Heffernan
King of Queens (1999)

07/15/99
Guy in Movie: "Janet, Janet!"
Tom Servo: "Oops, I forgot, I'm nasty. Miss Jackson."
-- "Devilfish"
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1998)

08/01/1999
"In other words, actual golf holes cover 1,846,800 acres of American real estate. That's an area 61 percent the size of Rhode Island, a state which exists expressly to be demeaned in comparisons such as this one."
-- Steve Rushin
Road Swing

08/09/99
"Look at that, Qatar. My first act is to get these guys a 'U.'"
- Pearl Forrester
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1999)
"Keep Circulating the Tapes"

08/18/99
Milhouse: "Why don't we put it on the Internet."
Bart: "No, we need to reach people who's opinions really matter."
"Wild Barts Can't Be Broken"
The Simpsons (1998)

08/27/99
"Oh, you are sooooo that other one!"
--Dr. Frasier Crane
"Dinner Party"
Frasier (1999)

09/04/99
"They say it's always calmest before the storm. That's not true. I'm a serious sailor. It isn't calm before the storm, stuff happens..."
--Dan Rydell
"Eli's Coming"
Sports Night (1999)

09/14/99
Dana: You have good ideas a lot. I find myself saying, "Natalie's got a good idea."
Natalie: But you also find yourself saying "Natalie, if you screw that up again I'll set you on fire."
"Intellectual Property"
Sports Night (1998)

09/21/99
"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are
hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise."
--F. Scott Fitzgerald

09/28/99
"Plus, she speaks the universal language of hockey, which is very cool."
--Mike O'Malley
"Pilot"
The Mike O'Malley Show (1999)

10/04/99
"Please Fry, I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor!"
--Professor Farnsworth
"Mars University"
Futurama (1999)

10/11/99
"The O'Malley credo: Our spite for those who oppose us shall over come our lack of intelligence."
--Mike O'Malley
"Out of Their League"
The Mike O'Malley Show (1999)

10/19/99
"Mac, no man wants to be 'just friends' with a woman that looks like you."
--Lt. Cmdr. Harmon Rabb, Jr.
"Front and Center"
JAG (1999)

10/26/99
"I'm Canadian. It's like an American, without a gun."
--Dave Foley
The Kids in the Hall (1992)

11/04/99
Marge: "Homer, that's your solution to everything: move under the sea. It's not going to happen.
Homer: "Not with THAT attitude!"
--"Homer: Bad Man"
The Simpsons (1995)

11/11/99
Leela: "Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life, can't you tell the difference?"
Fry: "Sure, I just like TV better!"
--"When Aliens Attack"
Futurama

11/15/99
"All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest. And remember, I could murder you while you sleep. It's easy, son, all you have to do is be quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am willing to do it. And, I've got quiet shoes. Good night, son. Sleep well."
--Dave Foley
"Daddy Drank"
The Kids in the Hall

11/23/99
Pets.com: Because pets can't drive

12/10/99
"I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it. Oh my friends tried to describe it to me, but it just isn't the same. Oh, well. You've got your own problems--ignore me."
--Dave Foley
"Gunslinger"
Kids in the Hall

12/20/99
"Let's see, so that makes three Christmases I saved, versus eight I've ruined...Two were kind of a draw..."
--Homer Simpson
"Grift of the Magi"
The Simpsons

12/28/99
"Come on, I was the guy in the episode who dies to prove the situation is serious."
--Guy Fleegman
Galaxy Quest

01/05/00
"The first real Y2K test came in New Zealand, which passed with flying colors before reverting back to being Australia's personal Canada."
--Jon Stewart
"The Daily Show: January 4, 2000"

01/11/00
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
--Dave Barry

01/22/00
"Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident of American geographical ignorance. Just last month, the major U.S. airlines, investigating an increase in the number of delayed flights, discovered that many of their pilots cannot read maps and are finding their destination cities by, in the words of an airline spokesperson, 'flying real low and following buses.' "
--Dave Barry

02/01/00
"There is nothing which can better deserve our patronage than the promotion of science and literature. Knowledge is in every country the surest basis of public happiness."
--George Washington

02/07/00
"Man, I got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined!"
--Homer Simpson
"Saddlesore Galactica"
The Simpsons

02/14/00
"Peanuts as a social phenomenon? It rocked. Are you looking for something deeper than that? Because I'm not real bright."
--Pets.com Sock Puppet
Nightline: February 11, 2000
You were a good man Charles Schulz

02/19/00
"You've got ten seconds, the countdown's going on right now. Morrow, up to Silk, five seconds left in the game. Do you believe in miracles? Yes!"
--Al Michaels
February 22, 1980, Lake Placid, NY
USA 4, USSR 3

03/06/00
"It was announced this week that the Muppets were bought by a German corporation, which could explain why their next feature film is going to be called 'The Muppets Invade Poland.'...Don't trust that Elmo, he masterminded the whole thing."
--Conan O'Brien
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
February 23, 2000

03/13/00
"Go mbeire muid beo ar an am seo aris!"
("May we be alive at this time next year")
-An Irish toast

03/20/00
"I was an English major, and when we English majors thought about physics, we were trying to solve problems like: ``You are required to turn in a 15-page paper on The Brothers Karamazov. You have written a grand total of 311 words on this topic. How big do you have to make your margins to make these words stretch over 15 pages?"
--Dave Barry

03/27/00
"Asked about the potential make-up of the Final Four and its possible all Midwestern look of Michigan State, Wisconsin, Tulsa, and Oklahoma State, NCAA Selection Committee chair Craig Thompson stated: 'Who cares? There are plenty of TVs in the Midwest.'"
--ESPN.com: 3/26/00

04/03/00
"Comedy is tragedy second-hand"
--William Faulkner

04/17/00
Martin: "I hope you die!"
Ethan: "That'll be the day."
--The Searchers (1956)

04/24/00
"Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly"
--Thomas Paine
--The American Crisis, No. 1 (1776)

06/24/00
"Where are the flying cars? I was promised flying cars!"
--Avery Brooks
IBM Commercial

07/14/00
"Can everyone agree that no one should be left alone?"
--Filter
"Take a Picture" (1999)

08/23/00
"So there it was. Will was being patronized by someone who wasn't even old enough to understand what the word meant."
--Nick Hornby
About a Boy (2000)

09/18/00
"The walls in our hotel room were so thin last night I could actually hear my neighbors' innermost doubts."
--Dennis Miller
Monday Night Football: 9/18/2000

09/25/00
"Manning's neighbors were Anne Rice, who wrote Interview with the Vampire, and Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. This kid was definitely the creamy white center of a dark spiritual Oreo down there in the City on the Delta."
--Dennis Miller
Monday Night Football: 9/25/2000

10/09/00
"The only real currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with each other when we're being uncool."
--Lester Bangs
Almost Famous (2000)

11/02/00
"How is soccer like God? Because it inspires devotion among the faithful and distrust among intellectuals."
--Eduardo Galleno
Soccer in Sun and Shadow (1998)

11/15/00
Daggett: "Camilla, I will have you know that Michigan State has one of the finest liberal arts educations in the country..."
First Lady: "The President's daughter IS NOT going to a party school."
--DAG (2000)

11/19/00
"Ahh, the Luftwaffe! The Washington Generals of the History Channel."
--Homer Simpson
"Lisa the Tree Hugger"
The Simpsons (2000)

12/28/00
"...Allow for the possibility that, from time to time, other people might be at least as smart as you are."
--Natalie Hurley
"Small Town"
SportsNight (1998)

02/07/01
"E-Trade's tearful chimp...more proof of comedy's golden rule: Monkeys are always funny."
--Brian M. Raferty
EW, #581, February 9, 2001

02/22/01
"Megalomania starts at an early age."
--Paul Hewson
43rd Annual Grammy Awards

03/26/01
"I accept this award not just for me, but for all the dudes out there who occasionally lose their cars."
--Ashton Kutcher
Alternate Universe Oscar Speech
Top Five.com

04/10/01
"This is no place for a nervous person!"
--Mickey Redmond
Detroit Red Wings Broadcaster
"Get Your Red On!"

04/23/01
"If only Eisenhower had access to the kinds of information the TV screen showed me on Draft Day. The Normandy Invasion would have been as simple as a pickup football game."
--Brian Murphy
ESPN.com Page 2

05/06/01
"Humor is the good natured side of truth."
--Mark Twain

05/18/01
"That's what the whole thing is: you got to commit yourself to the life you picked. And you picked it--most people don't even do that. You're smart and you're young, and you've got, like I said before, talent."
--Walter Tevis
The Hustler

06/22/01
"It's like the Pythagorean Theorem for jocks; it distills all the chaos and action of any game in history into a perfect rectangular sequence of numbers. I can look at this little box and know exactly what happened on that day back in 1947; it's like the numbers can talk to me, comfort me, tell me that some things remain the same."
--Fox Mulder on box scores
"The Unnatural"
The X-Files

07/21/01
The History of Baseball: 1861: The Civil War breaks out when the Confederate States refuse to accept the designated hitter rule.
--Jim Caple
ESPN.com Page 2

08/16/01
Burns: Smithers, we're at war!
Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.
Burns: And hoarding. Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.
-- "Brother's Little Helper"
The Simpsons

09/10/01
"I don't get mad; I get stabby."
-- Fat Tony
"Grift of the Magi"
The Simpsons

09/11/01
"Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly, 'tis dearness that gives everything its value."
--Thomas Paine
The American Crisis, No. 1 (1776)

11/01/01
"It's not pinin,' it's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he would be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolical processes are of interest only to historians! It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This.... is an EX-PARROT!"
--John Cleese
Monty Python's Flying Circus,
Series 1, Show 9,
"Full Frontal Nudity"

11/15/01
"I just want to know if I cook the stuffing inside the turkey, will that kill my guests. Not that this is a deal breaker..."
--President Jed Bartlett
The West Wing

11/20/01
"What Bono is to U2, Yzerman is to the Red Wings."
--John Buccigross
ESPN.com's "Game on" column

12/19/01
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face in marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
--President Theodore Roosevelt
April 23, 1910

01/26/02
"My experience of men has neither disposed me to think worse of them nor indisposed me to serve them; nor in spite of failures which I lament, of errors which I now see and acknowledge, or of the present aspect of affairs, do I despair of the future.

The truth is this: The march of Providence is so slow and our desires so impatient; the work of progress so immense and our means of aiding it so feeble; the life of humanity is so long, that of the individual so brief, that we often see only the ebb of the advancing wave and are thus discouraged. It is history that teaches us to hope.
--General Robert E. Lee, CSA
September 1870

02/28/02
"There are three things in life people like to stare at: a rippling stream, a fire in a fireplace, and a Zamboni going round and round."
--Gil Grissom
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

03/17/02
"Victory? We're French, we don't even have a word for it!"
--Homer Simpson
"Tales from the Public Domain"
The Simpsons

04/17/02
"Adam Oates for Bernie Federko, my ass!"
-- Steve Yzerman (supposedly)
May 16, 1996
Western Conference Semi-Finals
Game 7, 1:56 into Double OT

05/23/02
"In the future, if you're wondering: 'Crime...boy...I don't know?' is when I decided to kick your ass"
--President Josiah Bartlett to Gov. Robert Richie (R-FL)
"Posse Comitatus"
The West Wing

06/10/02
"You know the problem with being smart? You know everything in advance, there's no suspense in life."
--Terry Collins
Bandits (2001)

06/28/02
"I sit looking 'round/I look at my face in the mirror
I know I'm worth nothing/Without you
In life, one and one don't make two/One and one make one
And I'm looking for that free ride to me/I'm looking for you."
--The Who
"Bargain" (1971)

07/10/02
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it."
--Thomas Jefferson
First Inaugural Address
March 4, 1801

10/28/02
"To be one, to be united is a great thing. But to respect the right to be different is maybe even greater."
--Bono

02/11/03
"There's nothing wrong with being shallow, as long as you're insightful about it."
--Dennis Miller

04/22/03
"I prefer that my sports heroes be either dead or fictional. There is less chance of reading a story that they were just picked up for soliciting a prostitute that way."
--Jim Caple, ESPN.com

06/28/03
"No! Everyone and everything Boston roots for loses. If Boston rooted for gravity, we'd all be floating three inches off the ground. We're the worst!
--Seth Meyers
November 11, 2001

08/06/03
"OK, has everyone who's gonna get it gotten it? Good, we can move on."
--Dave Attell

10/27/03
"Let's be idealistic, but let's also be practical."
--Coach Herb Brooks

01/05/04
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
--Hubert H. Humphrey

06/21/04
"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire."
--William Butler Yeats

08/15/04
"Oedipus, as you know, Katie, was the tragic king who killed his father and married his mother-a sequence of events that seldom turns out well."
--Bob Costas, NBC
2004 Summer Olympics

10/01/04
"In his Second Treatise on Government, Locke argued that government is a voluntary creation by the people who give up complete freedom in order to better safeguard their inalienable rights to life, liberty, and property. Locke conceded, however, that 'the right to party' was alienable, and had to be fought for."
--America (The Book)

12/20/04
On whether he thought Notre Dame fans were excited to see the Patriots offense perform: "I don't care about Notre
Dame fans. I only care about Michigan fans."
--New England QB Tom Brady
Univ. of Michigan, Class of '00

04/04/05
"America is not just a country, it's an idea."
--Paul Hewson
Commencement Address
University of Pennsylvania, May 2004

09/22/05
Dr. Gregory House:
"I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is - maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is - doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong."
--"Three Stories"
House, M.D. (2005)

11/30/05
"I thought Ron Artest was crazy until he got pushed by Ben Wallace and went after the little guy with the plastic cup. When you’re crazy, you don’t pick your battles. He picked his battle."
--Jalen Rose
Univ. of Michigan 1991-94

01/03/06
"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."
--Robert Frost (1874-1963)

01/31/06
"Sometimes it can seem that history is turning in a wide arc, toward an unknown shore. Yet the destination of history is determined by human action, and every great movement of history comes to a point of choosing."
--George W. Bush

02/01/06
"Like Abraham Lincoln, [Alan] Greenspan ended his time in office a beloved figure...though in better health."
--Jon Stewart

04/01/06
"Black bears weigh between two and five hundred pounds. Brown bears weigh between three hundred and over a thousand pounds. Black bears run away from you, brown bears run at you. When attacked by a bear, simply lie still on the ground and cover your face and head with your hands. When the bear is finished batting you around and mauling you, contact the U.S. Forest Service."
--Dwight Schrute
"Know Your Bears" PSA
The Office

04/19/06
"For the next 20 minutes, you will sit in silence while I tell you why the Detroit Red Wings are the greatest franchise in the history of professional sports. On September 25, 1926..."
--Dr. Perry Cox
"My Chopped Liver"
Scrubs

05/10/06
"Thankfully, alert gauchos were able to save the llama before it was swept into the blades of the turbine."
--Stephen Colbert
The Colbert Report

05/24/06
"Sure, there's a universe where 'Regulate' and 'Wonderwall' should be played back-to-back. I didn't realize it was THIS universe..."
--Joe Wright on 1990s playlist construction

That's all for today, until next time,
I am Craig Barker, not speaking German.

Thought for the Day: Abusing the privelege
May 23, 2006

First things first:
The theme of today's entry is "Doubleback"

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Oh and as for the end of the 24 season, well, I am glad they paid off what MP and JQ and I wanted all year to set up for next year. Well done guys, insane as always, but well done never the less. Oh and who knew Chloe was married to David Brent?

That's all for today, until next time,
I am Craig Barker, recycler.

Thought for the Day: Odds on...
May 22, 2006

First things first:
The theme of today's entry is "Gambling"

Can I ask yet another dumb question: Since when is gambling on sports required to enjoy sports at the highest level? Don't get me wrong, I love testing my prediction skills and will play in an occasional office pool, but most of my sports watching is just watching the games and seeing what happens. Yet, there's a strange undercurrent running right now in a lot of sports columns suggesting that one must gamble in order to be a true sports fan. I don't buy, I don't need to be validated about it, I just want to know when this happened? (Don't even get me started about drinking to enjoy sports, that's a total canard.)

I also learned something valuable this weekend in watching the Pistons play in Game 6 and Game 7. I don't claim to know a whole lot about basketball, it's never been my favorite sport, and truth be told, it still sits around seventh*. That said, in watching the game, I understood most of the deep level strategy of what the teams were trying to do offensively and defensively, and I think I know why. Hubie Brown. I know it's chic to make fun of Hubie Brown, and he's not always perfect. But his explanations of what the Pistons had to do in the second half of Game 7 and then seeing the Pistons do exactly what he said they would have to do and seeing it work as he predicted was quite astonishing. And it leads me to this realization. The NHL needs to say "Screw it." We're sick of introducing this game to you. We'll explain it to you at a high level and if you don't follow it, well, it's not that hard. Baseball, football, and basketball never talk down to their audiences, and CBC hockey coverage never does either. We're sports fans, explain it to us like we're capable of learning and we'll figure it out. It's not a high risk proposition here.

Oh, in case you're wondering, the ranking is
1). College Football
1A). College Hockey
1B). Pro Hockey
2). Baseball
2A). Pro Football
3). Soccer
3A). Pro Basketball
4). College Basketball
5). Open-wheel racing
6). Horse Racing

Three more weeks. I can make it. I can make it.

That's all for today, until next time,
I am Craig Barker, rolling the dice.

Thought for the Day: It's all about the little things...
May 19, 2006

First things first:
The theme of today's entry is "The Little Things"

So, I wanted to talk to about the little things, the small things that make life just a little easier and a little bit better. My two candidates are the semi-transparent notification window that pops up when you get a new message on Outlook that has the email address and the first few lines of text. It's like callerID for email. The second one is the Fridge Pack, of which I have sang the praises before, but never ceases to amaze me. So what's yours.

Also, in relation to a new technological wrinkle, I have a courtesy question to ask:
What is the new minimum amount of time that must pass before you can discuss the events of a television show. Like, for instance, joking around in first hour this morning that one of my students was likely staying home due to his sadness at the loss of Ms. Cooper. While no one said anything, I felt guilty that I might have spoiled it for a time-shifter? So, do we have to give it what, a day? Do we need to say "Spoiler space" before we say something? What's procedure here? I know it's a little thing, but...

That's all for today, until next time,
I am Craig Barker, getting small.

Thought for the Day: To be fair, at least he's reading...
May 16, 2006

First things first:
The theme of today's entry is "Annoying Greg"

Has anyone ever noticed we spend way too much time over here either trying to annoy Greg or apologizing for my attempts to annoy him? Anyway, if you have been with me since the beginning, a long four years ago (almost), you know that TFTD is a bad, but well-meaning source for your World Cup coverage. I love the World Cup. I feel its doing my part to be a better citizen of the world. Anyway, as if I needed anymore help to get excited, ESPN launched the "One Game Changes Everything" campaign, with U2 music in the background and voiceovers by the band themselves. You can see them at this site. I particularly like the Ivory Coast one.

Oh, and as for what else is going on? Well, really not much. I mean, I won't talk about work anymore, since, well, its not worth any potential headache/lawsuit that could come about by any misconstrued line (nothing I have said, but you read three articles on the same theme, it has a chilling effect on one's desire to say much of anything. Besides, I'm really not that clever anymore. I'm old, I'm bitter, and I'm cranky. And while I know that hasn't stopped Greg, it's not exactly pushing me forward. Besides, you guys don't need me, you have other better outlets for wackiness.

That's all for today, until next time,
I am Craig Barker, on the edge of a new world.

Thought for the Day: If I don't ask, I won't know
May 11, 2006

First things first:
The theme of today's entry is "Germanic Tribes"

OK, I'll admit it, with a month to go, I am officially hyped for the World Cup. Part of this is seeing Dave's new television and knowing he'll be putting it to good use watching the World Cup, but most of it is it reminds me just how amazing a sporting event it truly is. I have always found it odd, on some level, that while soccer has been traditionally seen as the province of the lower classes around the world, in America, it is seemingly followed by immigrants and intellectuals, a pairing which I am sure kills (OK, would have killed) Jorge Luis Borges, who once gave a lecture on the mind-numbing effects of soccer fandom at a university in Buenos Aires that began at the exact same time as Argentina's first game in the 1978 World Cup (which was being held in Argentina). But the reality is, soccer is a game of patience, one that requires you to be willing to see possibilities that may never come, and most importantly, to accept a goal as a thing to be cherished for its rarity and specialness. It's about looking for Angles, all while dodging Vandals. We're a month away from when the world stops to watch soccer, and I couldn't be more excited.

Oh, and since I was asked where my World Cup Pick 'em Group is:
ESPN Germany Cup Pick 'em

Not wanting to look all Goth, if I were going shopping for a new shirt to go under my black suit, already having a charcoal and a white, what shirt color/tie color combination should I consider, since I apparently have no taste of my own. Yellow, by the way, is out according to colleagues, as my skin color is wrong for it, which is a bummer, because a goldenrod shirt with a black tie seemed to be like a good idea, but not so much.

Update: 5/12/06
A decision was reached. I went with the popular choice of blue as well as a very intriguing beigey/oatmealy thing (which I also think is a poorly lit picture). Thanks to all of you for your assistance, and a kudos to the Men's Wearhouse employee who put up with my inability to make a decision.

That's all for today, until next time,
I am Craig Barker, that's all Volks.

Thought for the Day: But first, the whores!
May 8, 2006

First things first:
The theme of today's entry is "Ladies of the evening"

From Slate's "In Other Magazines"
"The CIA is looking into whether (Dusty) Foggo funneled defense contracts to an "unindicted co-conspirator" in the (Duke) Cunningham bribery case. Also under scrutiny are poker parties thrown by the contractor and attended by Cunningham and Foggo that allegedly included prostitutes, Newsweek reports."

So here's my question: At what point, if you're a public official, do you go "You know what would make this all the better for me? Some prostitutes!"

But wait, let's up the degree of difficulty! Said parties are also have alleged to have occurred at...The Watergate. If you're an elected official, or an appointed one, and you were even whiffing scandal, why in the world would you go to the Watergate? Have these people never read a book? Why, tell me, why, would you get anywhere near that place. Seriously!

Now, the way to tie this into today's lesson: It is prostitution that lead, in part, to the final death knell of the Sino/Soviet alliance of the 1950s. Oh sure, Mao was peeved that Nikita Khrushchev wouldn't share the atomic bomb, and was peeved about the denouncement of Stalin during the "Secret Speech", but it was during Khrushchev's 1958 visit to China, on the heels of his visit to the United States where the coup de grace came. In a dinner speech, Khrushchev gave a partial defense to the Secret Speech by stating in so many words, "that when an old galosh is worn out, you have to throw it away." Mao, who saw himself as the rightful heir to Stalin, is listening along and the translator translates "old galosh" as "old boot". The problem is, in Chinese vernacular of the day, "old boot" also means "prostitute", so Mao thought that Khrushchev was calling him "an old whore" and things got even more tense.

On to other business:
My beloved Lions lost two days of practice after several Lions players complained to the union (Deadspin/Mlive), via a grievance, that the workouts had been too hard. Everyone seems to believe that the Lions players are wimping out and that they just need to get tough...But here's the thing: The League and the NFLPA agreed, via contract, that there are rules governing off-season practices and if the Lions coaching staff were within those rules, they would not have been found in violation and would not have lost the two days of off-season work.

The criticism of the Lions' players bothers me for no other reason than its the kind of attitude that prevents people who have legitimate grievances from filing them. And I genuinely believe people would feel differently if a player had been hurt because of this.

That's all for today, until next time,
I am Craig Barker, aggrieved.

Thought for the Day: It's Over!
May 5, 2006

First things first:
Today's blog is entitled "Why Greg Sorenson is a great human being."

For you see, were it not for cranky Uncle Greg, I might not have put the strike by the Lowell Mill Girls in 1834 on the Magical History Tour list, which then became this year's AP t-shirt, which I then explained to my kids, which then became a part of their answer on today's DBQ. So thank you Greg.

I have learned one thing in my four years of being an AP teacher, I have absolutely NO ability to guess what is going to be on the essay portion of the test. If that is the College Board's goal, then I say well played. But the biggest issue is this. There's 450 years of history to cover, I have no idea whatsoever what will actually be on there so I have to sort of cover everything.

That's all for today, until next time,
I am Craig Barker, chillaxin'.

Thought for the Day: I'm just saying...
May 4, 2006

First things first:
So, there has been a great deal of discussion lately about "Nuestro Himno", a Spanish language version of the Star-Spangled Banner and how its an insult to the National Anthem. That aside, I am of the belief that America needs a new National Anthem and I know I am not alone in this. Allow me to lay out some of my reasons why.

1). It celebrates a war we didn't have to fight and nobody is really sure we won.
Oh, sure, the American defense of Fort McHenry was a stunning thing and worth remembering, but it also came on the heels of the British burning the White House less than a month before. That said, the War of 1812 was an unnecessary expansionist war where we tried to conquer Canada, and failed; where we tried to stop British impressment, and failed; and where America tried to punch above its weight and nearly got knocked out in the process.

2). It's really hard to sing.
It's apparently traditionally arranged in b-flat major and spans a twelfth, which is too high to be sung by most people. A song celebrating one's nation should be able to be sung well by every one, or better, not have words at all.

So, in light of my belief as to not tear down without building back up, allow me to make some suggestions as to what should be the new American national anthem.

"Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey
Plus: Everyone in America seems to know the words, and I have read on at least one occasion that it is America's favorite karaoke song.
Minus: If we're looking a choice that is easier to sing well, this is not a good selection. Plus, does America really want to honor Steve Perry?

"The Imperial March" from Star Wars: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Plus: Olympic medal ceremonies would kick ass.
Minus: We'd really just be out and out admitting it, wouldn't we?

"I've Been Everywhere" by Johnny Cash
Plus: Name-checks a large number of cities across the country. Sense of American adventurism and love of cars pervades.
Minus: Much like Robert Wuhl's suggestion that a good anthem should not have the word "suicide" in its opening line, I must also say that the line "I'm a Killer" would sit poorly in America.

That should get the ball rolling. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy up all of the regular Coke from the pop machine before they rip it out of there.

But wait, there's more while I wait for the flood of last minute questions...
Tomorrow marks the release of Mission: Impossible III, and while I am opposed to Tom Cruise right now, I do love the Mission: Impossible franchise for two reasons related to the original from 1996.

1). It gave rise to Dave's and my favorite expression of things having gone horribly wrong...
"Wake up, Claire! Jim's dead! He's dead! They're all dead!" which morphed into "They're dead Claire, they're all dead." As M:I was one of the movies that came out in the transitional summer between high school and college, this became a favorite of Dave and I during the freshman and sophomore year especially, but still gets a good laugh today when things look bleak.

2). Henry Czerny.
Perhaps one of my three favorite "that guy" actors ever and in 1996, he was completing the bureaucrat from hell double play of Eugene Kittridge, having played Robert Ritter in Clear and Present Danger. Each of these characters also has some of the best lines in their respective movies:
As Kittridge:
In re the CIA officer who was manning the room with the NOC list:
"I want him manning a radar tower in Alaska by the end of the day. Just mail him his clothes."

And in his face to face showdown with Ethan Hunt regarding his belief that Hunt killed everyone on his team:
"All right, Hunt. Enough is enough. You have bribed, cajoled, and killed, and you have done it using loyalties on the inside. You want to shake hands with the devil, that's fine with me. I just want to make sure that you do it in hell!"

And as Robert Ritter, the Deputy Director of the CIA, in Clear and Present Danger:

Jack Ryan: If I go down you're coming with me.
Ritter: Wrong again. I have an *autographed get-out-of-jail-free card*! "The President of the United States authorizes Deputy Director of the CIA Robert Ritter to conduct 'Operation Reciprocity' including all necessary funding and support. This action is deemed important to the national security of the United States etcetera, etcetera, etcetera." You don't have one of these, do you Jack?
[as Ryan walks away]
Ritter: Gray! The world is gray, Jack!


Czerny hasn't done much lately, but he's up there with Steven Culp and Dylan Baker (by the way, part of what I love about Thirteen Days is that it's basically a movie full of that guys doing decent versions of real actual people. Well, except for Kevin Costner's Boston accent...Geesh.)

That's all for today, until next time,
I am Craig Barker, free to decide.

Thought for the Day: L is for
May 3, 2006

First things first:
Notes from the second floor...
quixotic has the letters meme going and she has assigned me L. (Actually, I thought it was I initially, but it was a lower case l, so here we go...)

This is how it works: comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation of what the word means to you and why, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along.


So L

Livonia - My hometown, America's leading consumer of Slurpees, oft-unfairly pegged as America's whitest city (OK, I mean, it is, but that's only because Livonia has just over 100,000 people. There are places just slightly smaller that are way whiter.)

Led Zeppelin - One of my favorite bands. With the little money I had left after paying the taxes on the Volvo from Jeopardy!, I bought the Zeppelin boxed set. "So, what are you saying little man...you don't like Zep."

Law & Order - Do you realize I have seen every Law & Order episode?

Looney Tunes - Still, absolutely, some of the most brilliant comedy of the 20th Century. I honestly wished these aired more frequently on cable. So many comedic things owe their set-up to Bugs, Daffy, and the gang.

Lawyers - Do you know how many of my friends are lawyers? It's a really high number.

Los Angeles - Also known as "Jack Bauer's America" in my mind, I could never live there. I like seasons, pro football, decent hockey, and commutes that don't require a out of office notice on my work computer.

Lauren - Moving on. Actually, let me just say that Lauren is one of the most fascinating people I have ever met and I am a better person for knowing her.

Long Ball - I am told by reliable sources that the chicks dig it.

Land-grant Act of 1862, Morrill - The most important piece of legislation passed by the U.S. Congress during the Civil War. Democratized education in a way that would revolutionize America.

Lincoln - The most amazing thing, he didn't have a speechwriter. Arguably America's most eloquent President wrote most of his own material.

Lightning - Still totally amazed by this phenomenon whenever I see it.

Game on...

That's all for today, until next time,
I am Craig Barker, loving it.

Thought for the Day: High Demand, Low Art
May 1, 2006

First things first:
Notes from the second floor...
Since someone, who shall remain nameless, demanded it, an update.

This weekend was TRASHionals, and we, the Mike Keenan Employment Agency (myself, the Head Keenan, the Lady Keenan, and the Juliepede) finished second to Tom DeLay Industries, who took a pair of games from us in the final to earn the title, their first. The high compliment I would like to pay to Phil, Tim, Rick, and Josh is that you have to play almost perfect in order to beat them, because they rarely leave points on the table and have great speed. They are a very worthy champion and my congratulations go out to them. I wish I could be disappointed in the finish, but I went in to this weekend just looking to improve on last year's seventh place finish, so getting to the final game was quite a thing. We had to claw our way through every game, but we did it, all the way up to the finals. My kudos to the gang at TRASH, who wrote a top notch set that was fun to play on. I also did something I have never done before, I led TRASHionals in individual scoring with just over 58 PPG. It was exciting in that I got my choice of prizes, in this case, the Mao Zedong wristwatch straight from Tian An Men Square. Thanks to you in Chicago for that pick up.

I also got to enjoy dinner with quixotic this weekend and I am glad to see that it was a mutually enjoyable experience.

Also, being that we were in that part of the country, I got my Sonic in on Friday night, so that was good.

Not so good:
Because of a flight cancellation, THK and I had to drive from DFW to Austin. That's about 190ish miles for those of you who don' know.
* Driving through (well, riding as Mike drove through) a Texas thunderstorm that just made ya kind say "wow!"
* Spending 30 minutes on the phone with American Airlines trying to get the Head Keenan's and my flights from Austin to Dallas cancelled for Sunday because we had to return the rental car to DFW. I never got snippy, but I clearly went into logic mode and the CSR did finally take care of it, but I just found it hilarious that my reservation could be cancelled, but THK's could not because there was a slight difference in them. I understand the airlines have rules to prevent gaming the system, but it also creates massive frustration and I have let AA know that I did not enjoy my first experience on American and I will see if that gets any feedback.
* The Red Wings game on Saturday or the Pistons game on Saturday. WTF on both counts. (If you had told me at on Friday morning that the Tigers would sweep the Twins and outscore them 33-1 and they would be the only Detroit team to win this weekend, I would have likely not believed you.

Other things:
Seriously, I don't have a whole lot to say, so I'll link to this article sent to me by Canadian Dave:
Canada: We'd like to honor the greatest goalie in the world for his meritorious service in losing to us in 1972.
"Mr. Tretiak, the Americans will be doing this next week for getting yourself pulled in the 1980 Miracle on Ice game."

All right gang, the AP test is Friday and I am stressing out, so I am going to go do more pointless things that don't allow me to feel any better, but at least I feel like I am doing something now. At least until I have to try and watch the Wings, Pistons, Tigers, HIMYM, and 24 simultaneously.

That's all for today, until next time,
I am Craig Barker, catering.