Thought for the Day: On Hiatus
September 30, 2002

First things first:
We're going dark for a week...It's no big deal, it's just an exceptionally busy week in Barkerland, culiminating with a trip down to the ATL for the wedding. So, in the meantime, enjoy the blogs there to your left, they are some funny people and some well informed people, and some people somewhere in the middle, and with that in mind, we'll see you next Monday.

That's all for today, until next Monday,
I am Craig Barker, nothing special...

Thought for the Day: Bad puppy, no Super Bowl ring for you.
September 26, 2002

First things first:
Doggone it! Griese hurt tripping over pooch
I am annoyed that the journalists here did not get me the name of this dog.

Student-athlete graduation rate at 60 percent
I only suggest you read the whole story, because you will see how flawed this rating system is.

De Niro vs. Pacino -- who's the champ?
Bill, it's an unfair question and you would have done well to pull a Nick Bakay like push here.

Football 101: Cover 2
Yep, sadly, Bob Davie is making me a better Madden player.

Mangino says he was justified yelling at high school game officials
Oh, that's got to be a weird thing, the only football coach in town, bigger than you are in town (no, not like that) has a son on your team.

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--An amazing thing, the power of music and movies coming together:
Song 31 of 35 on today's Motown "Shut Up and Answer The Question" was "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell. Thanks to a bizarre convergence of Julia Roberts and Denzel Washington that ISN'T The Pelican Brief, a good 90% of my class was singing along. It's just sort of nice when Freshmen forget about trying to look cool and just have fun.

From AP US History:
--Leo's Hole story:
"This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out."
"A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
"Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on."
"Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.' "

Random Simpsons Quote:
Homer: "Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!"

Wow, you know, watching Scrubs, I now have a new found respect for Colin Hay and the acoustic version of "Overkill", which I have always thought was a great song.
Also, acoustic guitar bashing, always comedy gold.

Writer Michael Crichton Bound and Robbed
That's for Airframe. Don't make us come back.

Spears, Madonna, Other Stars in TV Ads on Piracy
Hey Britney, simple law of supply and demand. Don't charge me $17.99 for 42 minutes of music, and I am less likely to steal your songs.
On that same note, if the RIAA is wondering why people don't buy music anymore, look at this quote about Kelly Clarkson's new single:
"We're in uncharted territory," said Geoff Mayfield, Billboard's director of charts. "It's unusual to have a retail single to begin with and its even more unusual to have one sell decent numbers. This is the first one to sell more than 200,000 since 1999, so those are pretty big accomplishments."
People do not always like a whole CD of music, hence the popularity of the Now That's What I Call Music Series. People want to be able to get a song they hear on the radio and have that. The single was designed to do that, and yet the music industry doesn't sell them anymore. And they can't understand why people are downloading like the world is ending?

Actor, Comic, President Visit Africa
It sounds like the opening of a good old vaudeville routine.

Justin Timberlake Makes A Very Personal Admission
No one, and I mean no one, needed to know this.

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
ESPN Sporting High-Def

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: were found to have defective seals that might allow the spillage of tiny beads contained in the shaft.
'Rampant Rabbit' Recalled in Safety Scare

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Fire Ban Rains on Uncle Sam Protest
As GZ said: "This is classically British Commonwealth: "No, you can't do that, there's a total fire ban," a police officer said as he yanked the flag from two protesters who had set a corner of the flag afire with a lighter."

Cut-Throat Call Out (oh and make sure to check out the new pic in the club, courtesy the Head Keenan):
The following people still need to get their picks in for Week 4:
Tigerlily, The Real Doctor, The Virginian, The Wizard of Babson Park, JQSmooth, Gerbil #3, Gordon, VOA JD, The Michigan Paladin, Nate Dogg, Big Bird, Ghost Jam, ADJ, Dan B., the Resident Canadian, the Tsarista, Dr. Ed, and Dookie.

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, ain't too proud to beg.

Thought for the Day: Randy, you can drive my car...
September 25, 2002 (National Chicken Noodle Soup Day)

First things first:
Moss arrested after alleged run-in with traffic agent
And fantasy league players everywhere take a pathetic little sigh of relief.

Padres owner faces financial mess
That's it, I am making my money the old-fashioned way, I'm winning it.

MLB Power Alley: Tigers #30
You know, there should be a rule that two teams from the same city cannot occupy the bottom rung in the Power Rankings at the same time.

Vaughn trying to buy club and move it to San Juan
Ahh the San Juan Expos, the Head Keenan proposed this back when we were at the wake.

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--Yep, you know, "Crouching Barker, Hidden Dragon."
--You too can figure out the connection between Daoism and Fastball's "The Way"

From AP US History:
--DBQ, it's like barbeque, except there's less sauce.

Random Simpsons Quote:
Homer: "In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
Trailblazing California Adds New Laws
Ahh, those wacky Californians. Oh well, they do good work.

Today's a big day for schools: Student attendance will determine state funding
Let me state that this is the reason I love having Third Hour Prep.

Peabodys Also Award TV Achievements
Save Studio 176, the best thing to ever come out of the University of Georgia.

The new Google News site, news untouched by human hands.
Hmm...No, just Hmmm.

Jedi and Klingons Invade Dictionary, Muggles Wait
God bless the Shorter OED

More PG album post-mortem:
As world music's most high-profile fan, Peter Gabriel continues to use unique sounds from around the globe. He integrates ethnic instruments (particularly drums) and world music performers (the late Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and the Blind Boys of Alabama both make appearances) into his own high-tech studio sound -- simple melodies or ambient coloring rise to near-apocalyptic, multi-track moments of release where giant chords ring out and cavernous drums explode.
Cardinal: Only Peter Gabriel could release a new album and have a guy singing on it who has been dead for more than five years.

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: "Police say the "Bumfights" producers persuaded street people to fight for the camera in exchange for cash payments, food, liquor and hotel rooms but warned the participants not to tell authorities about the remuneration."
Alleged 'Bumfights' Video Makers Arrested

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Wacky World Records Abound in New Guinness Book

Eagle-Eyed Worker Unravels Toilet Roll Rip-Off
What is "ways to make your obsessive compulsive tendancies work for you?"

Things That Have Happened Since ...:
Today brought to you by democracy...

I am opening it up to you guys, what do you want. Right now, Cardinal is campaigning for Frasier Crane, and I am thinking Lions' playoff win, but hey, it's your blog too, so if you have a clever idea for Things that Have Happened Since...., place your votes, we pick next week.

Do nice things for people call:
Big Bird, my dear friend, needs your help for her classroom. Her kids are learning about the 50 states and she would like to get a postcard from as many states as possible. I have Michigan covered, but if you are from a non-Wolverine State and would like to help, email Big Bird at Brinnan at aol dot com.

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, non-melodic percussionist.

Thought for the Day: Our long record release nightmare is over!
September 24, 2002

First things first:
Peter Garbiel's latest studio album, Up, finally released.
Not going to say anything, just revel in it.

Ex-Heisman Trophy winner Hart dies at 73
Mr. Hart was back from the day when the Lions did a decent job in the draft and won NFL titles.

Dr. Thompson is back from Beirut
No, not Dwight, the other Good Doctor.

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--"Yes, on occassion, I can be a nice guy. Just don't grow accustomed to it."

From AP US History:
--A bizarre analogy of chess and the Revolutionary War.

Random Simpsons Quote:
Homer: D'oh!

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
Judge Bars Federal Death Penalty

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: "An 11-foot bull alligator tore off a man's arm and swallowed it"
Alligator Bites Off Man's Arm at Florida Garden

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Kmart Web Site for Well-Wishers Only

Email of the Day:
From the Green Wave:
Hey all....
We're evacuating for the hurricane. If the phone lines go down, I'll email y'all with my info,
Carla

Way to keep calm kido...

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by nihilists everywhere.

Not a whole lot, damn it, it's only been 23 hours

(Sorry, it's short, but it's a busy Tuesday, and I had to honor the release after waiting so long.)

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, the only audience that matters after a decade.

Thought for the Day: So Far Away From Me
September 23, 2002

First things first:
24 Hour Football Person
Friday: At the Country House
Central Florida/Marshall: While installing Windows XP on the laptop to get the new wireless card to work, The Real Doctor and I took in a little MAC attack and saw a sequence which involved four straight interceptions.

Saturday: At the Big House and the Country House
Utah/Michigan (live from the Big House):
Lessons learned from one of the most boring games I have ever seen:
Navarre is apparently French for "Scott Mitchell"
Rotate your face if only one half of it will be facing south from 12-3 pm
A missed field goal is now officially a "Brabbs"
Michigan is seriously overrated, but well, you never know.

Back at the Country House:
Notre Dame/Michigan State: I so badly wanted both teams to lose, and yet, nothing. Watch out folks, there is a speeding Studebaker bandwagon headed up from South Bend and there's a priest behind the wheel.
Ohio State/Cincinnati: Perhaps it is all about the freshman tailback.
Florida/Tennessee: As the Head Keenan says: "When all else fails, root for weather."
Boston College/Miami: Darn it Hurricanes, why wasn't there a Hurricane?

Oh, and over at the CEP: Stevenson 45, Salem 7. Good times...Good times.

Sunday: At the Country House
Green Bay 37, Detroit 31
OK, here's the thing. Firstly, Az-Hakim will always be remembered by me as the first player to score at Ford Field and beat up the mascot on the same play. You just saw him flying down the sideline, run headlong into Roary, slamming him to the turf and then start wailing on him like Ralphie in A Christmas Story.
They were tied at half-time, that's good
They gave up 17 unanswered points in the third, that's bad.
They made a nice comeback thanks to James Stewart, that's good.
They fell short because of a half drop/half overthrow by Joey Heisman.
Sadly, all I ask out of the Lions is to have a chance to win in the last two minutes, that's not too much.

Around the Ticket
Cleveland 31, Tennessee 28 Brownies with a nice comeback, makes up for the fact that they would be 3-0 if Dwayne Rudd had kept his head.
Miami 30, NY Jets 3 Called it, and all streaks must end. Head Keenan: THEY'RE INDEPENDENT EVENTS PEOPLE!
Carolina 21, Minnesota 14 Thank you Carolina, we're still tied for third in the division.
New England 41, Kansas City 38 Drew who? So is it Tommy Gunn, or Tommy Boy for Mr. Brady!
New Orleans 29, Chicago 23 Bears blow a 20 point lead, Big Bird forced to retract the "Who sucks, oh yeah, the Saints suck" statement.
Philadelphia 44, Dallas 13 There's one team happy to never have to see the Vet again.
Indianapolis 23, Houston 3 Yawn...
San Diego 23, Arizona 15 28,980 people saw this game live. To put it in perspective, the Yankees and Tigers drew 23,930 for a meaningless late September game.
Denver 28, Buffalo 23 Buffalo's friskiness status officially still pending, they only lost to Denver.
San Francisco 20, Washington 10 The Steve Spurrier makes the 49ers puke jokes are just too easy.
NY Giants 9, Seattle 6 Oh the humanity.
Atlanta 30, Cincinnati 3 The coronation of Mike Vick has begun. Quickly, find Amhad Rashad!

Smoke signal? Some Mets reportedly used marijuana
It's now time for the Country House Joke-Off. The contestants: The Head Keenan, the Resident Canadian, and yours truly. The topic: Current Mets related headlines.
RC: "Mets light up Bong for 15 hits."
CDB: "Mets get clipped late."
HK: "Mets come home to a little THC."
RC: "Mets hungry for a big win."
CDB: "Mets problems seem chronic."
HK: "Mets smoking, roll to fifth straight win."

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--We go back for Friday's highlights:
"The Buddha was good people, as they say."
"The Eight-Fold Path, sort of a road map to spiritual well-being."
"Zen: you know, if a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound? No, it doesn't. No, seriously, it doesn't."

From AP US History:
"One of the more interesting things that stems from the Boston Tea Party is that coffee became the preferred drink of the colonies. This was good, except the transition with the caffeine levels on the delegates at the Second Continental Congress was not good:

TJ: I so have to pull an all-nighter to get this Declaration written. Dude, where's my Frappuchino?
John Adams: Frappa what, Tom?
TJ: I swear to God, I will cut you if you don't shut up.
John: Whoa, settle down there Virginia boy. It's July in Philadelphia and you want coffee?
TJ: It's iced coffee you pompous Massachusetts jerk.

The Style Committee later recjected Jefferson's call for "life, liberty, and a double tall mocha latte."
-----------------------------------------
"Instead of Special Sauce, McDonald's originally wanted to cover the Big Mac with Irrational Sauce, but unfortunately, no one could explain why it was so good."
"You have to remember, the Patriots had no idea how this thing was going to turn out. I mean, until Adam Vinatieri kicked that field goal...oh wait...."

Random Simpsons Quote:
Mr. Burns: "That intrepid lad is my great grandfather, Franklin Jefferson Burns. Tossing that tea, without a care for what the caffeine would do to the Fenway Flounder."
Homer: "Is that a fish?"
Mr. Burns: "It was."

Emmy time:
Nice touch Emmy's to honor Philo, rather than Zworkin, since, well, Philo did it. "The damned thing works!"
Great phrase of the day: "Sting became an Emmy winner."

Channing's Emmy Wait Is Over
Well Stockard, you only had a new series a year from 1978-1981 on CBS, so congrats Abby!

Holy Chiklis! Emmy Spreads Wealth
I always thought he was very underrated on The Commish, but that's just me.

Emmy Voters Show Populist Bent
Then how did Futurama beat The Simpsons, and how did Jennifer Garner lose to Allison Janney (not that I mind, it just disproves the thesis.)

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
Quake jolts Ryder Cup arrivals (just for the geology, people!)

Miss Universe Fired, to Be Replaced by Runner-Up
Yes, the Martians are still pissed about this one.

Why is Alabama's pension plan trying to bail out US Airways?
If MESPRS buys Hershey, then I will get worried.

The Spike Jonze ad that almost makes IKEA cool.
Key word: Almost...

John Cage Silence Plagiarism Case Settled
Just a bizarre tale...

Man Dies After Detergent Mistaken for Hummus
I am not quite sure how you apologize for this one.

Dumb question: Is there a real Mrs. Jared Fogle, or is this one of those Radio Shack relationships?

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good (courtesy the Resident Canadian): "We did offer to translate the books into some other language, but they insisted on having them in Finnish."
You know, if I recall correctly, isn't Finnish one of the hardest languages out there to learn?

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Gore Decries Bush's Iraq War Push

This Day in History
1949: President Truman announces Soviets have exploded a nuclear device
"You know, America, no big deal, but our arch-enemies just got the bomb. Nothing to get excited about."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut Throat Update:

OK, it's not what you do in the early going, its what you do late that counts, as everyone scored points. So we'll see what happens in Week 4 and we'll go from there. Simple thing, by next Sunday 1:00 PM EDT, send me your picks (you can even reply to this email, since it will come back to me.)

A rules change: To make the bonus for getting both games worth a little less, each win is now worth two points, and the bonus for winning both is one extra point, so as you can see, many many people got fives.

Interesting notes:
Big Winners of the week:
18 of the 34 players picked Atlanta (over Cincy)
10 of the 34 players picked Indianapolis (over Houston)
10 of the 34 players picked San Diego (over Arizona)
07 of the 34 players picked Green Bay (over Detroit)
06 of the 34 players picked Philadelphia (over Dallas)

Big Losers of the Week:
3 players picked Minnesota
2 players picked Arizona

And introducing Clippy:
With the idea of a need for a baseline player, I used Excel's Random Number Generator to create a random number between 1-32 in the 30 cells for each week. I then assigned, alphabetically, the teams a number from 1-32 and then put them in. I then flipped for the one week where teams had a bye and we got a schedule, which we assigned to the Microsoft Office assistant Paper Clip, since he is the one that helped me to figure out the RNG for Excel. So, from Redmond, WA, Clippy, whose score is the random baseline.

So, that's everything, if you have any questions, please email me at cdbarker@umich.edu
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Big Bird Chicago, IL 5
Dookie Fairfax, VA 5
The Virginian Plano, TX 5
You know who Livonia, MI 5
Daniel B. Ann Arbor, MI 5
Michigan Paladin College Park, MD 5
Resident Canadian London, ONT 5
Cardinal Livonia, MI 5
The Good Doctor Bridgeville, PA 5
Tsarista Ann Arbor, MI 5
E-Dog St. Clair Shores, MI 5
GZ GP Woods, MI 5
Gordon Traverse City, MI 5
VOA JD Arlington, VA 5
JQSmooth Atlanta, GA 5
Cornell Jason Edison, NJ 5
The Stepson of Troy Beallsville, PA 5
Cornell Kenny Arlington, VA 5
The Real Doctor Ann Arbor, MI 5
Gerbil #2 Manchester, MA 5
The Bruce San Francisco, CA 5
Head Keenan Ann Arbor, MI 5
Brother in Arms Livonia, MI 5
Dirty Midwest Chelsea, MI 5
Gerbil #3 Beverly, MA 5
Tim K Lincoln Park, MI 5
Adam K East Liverpool, OH 2
ADJ Push, NV 2
CRodgers Columbia, SC 2
Ghostjam Lexana, KS 2
Ed M Okemos, MI 2
Tigerlily Arlington, VA 2
Nate Dogg Bloomfield Hills, MI 2
Paper Clippy Redmond, WA 2
------------------------------------------------------------------

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by the 1992 Peter Gabriel album Us. It's only fair:

World Cups in the US, France, and Korea/Japan.
The Beatles' Anthology
Michigan wins its first national championship in football since the Truman Administration.
The Red Wings win three Stanley Cups, Tigers set team record for consecutive seasons of futility.
Tiger Woods wins eight major championships. Phil Mickelson wins zero.
Volvo introduces its first production model convertible, the C-70.
Czechoslovakia breaks into the Czech Republic and Slovakia.
Frank McCourt wins the Pulitzer Prize for Angela's Ashes
The Good Friday Accords
Jeff Bezos founds Amazon.com
The Lilith Fair
Sun introduces the Java programming language.
Diplomatic relations established between the State of Israel and the Vatican.
The AL wins five straight All-Star Games.
Every Dave Matthews Band album
The Chunnel Opens
Mario Lemieux retires from the NHL, is elected to the Hall of Fame, buys the Penguins, then returns as a player.
Kevin Costner released both Waterworld AND The Postman
The World Series is cancelled.
The Marlins and Diamondbacks win their first World Series titles.
The entire run of Friends
Radiohead and Beck win all of their collective Grammies.
Michigan State wins its second NCAA Men's Basketball title.
Will Ferrell's entire SNL run.
The Lions lose EVERY SINGLE FREAKING PLAYOFF GAME they play in:
1993 NFC First-Round Playoff, 01/08/1994: Green Bay 28, @Detroit 24
1994 NFC First-Round Playoff, 12/31/1994: @Green Bay 16, Detroit 12
1995 NFC First-Round Playoff, 12/30/1995: @Philadelphia 58, Detroit 37
1997 NFC First-Round Playoff, 12/28/1997: @Tampa Bay 20, Detroit 10
1999 NFC First-Round Playoff, 01/08/2000: @Washington 27, Detroit 13
Candlestick Park becomes 3Com Park at Candlestick Point before reverting to the old name.
Spy Kids and Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams
Max Weinberg twice leaves Late Night with Conan O'Brien to go on the road with the Boss.
The entire existence of the Lansing Lugnuts.
Well, basically, the whole Harry Potter phenomenon.
The whole "mainstream" career of Vin Diesel
All but the original incarnation of the Dream Team
The Ill-named Operation Desert Fox
The city of Cleveland is torn asunder when that bastard prick Art Modell, with absolutely no good reason save avarice and greed, steals the Browns away to Baltimore. Reason sets in and the Browns are returned in 1999, without that jerk.
The Government of the Right Honorable Tony Blair
Star Trek: Generations, Star Trek: First Contact and Star Trek: Insurrection
The California Angels become the Anaheim Angels become the Disney Corporate Softball team become the Anaheim Angels.
Every game in EA's NHL video game series.
Miami serves football probation, wins National title.
The entire run of The Sopranos.
The New York Rangers "Planet of the Apes" jerseys. Damn you, damn you all to hell!
Roughly 10,000 SportsCenters, give or take 500?
All but 21 days of my tenure at Stevenson, four years at Michigan, a semester of student teaching at Churchill, a semester of subbing, and a year of the job. E-19 opens Monday.
All but one awarding of the Mercury Music Prize.
Manchester United's Treble.
All of the state quarters so far.
That 70s Show, and That 80s Show.
The concept of baseball "replacement players."
My 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, and 24th birthdays.
9 seasons of L&O
Tom Hanks' back-to-back Best Actor wins.
The Rise, and Fall, of Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich
The movie Hackers
Contiential and Northwest start "code sharing."
Bobby Ross' reign as Lions' coach.
72 wins, 90 losses by the Detroit Lions for a .444 winning percentage...Man, are they incompetent!
94 wins, 29 losses and 3 ties for Michigan Football
1992: 9-0-3, 1993: 8-4-0, 1994: 8-4-0, 1995: 9-4-0, 1996: 8-4, 1997: 12-0, 1998: 10-3, 1999: 10-2, 2000: 9-3, 2001: 8-4, 2002: 3-1 so far
Erik Kramer, Rodney Peete, Andre Ware, Scott Mitchell, Dave Krieg, Don Majkowski, Frank Reich, Charlie Batch, Gus Frerotte, Stoney Case, Ty Detmer, Mike McMahon, and now, Joey Harrington. 13 starting quarterback for the Detroit Lions.

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, rolling on the A-Train.

Thought for the Day: A viable third round pick in your 2003 Fantasy Draft
September 19, 2002: National Talk Like a Pirate Day!

First things first:
Davis looking for miracle that could extend career
Well, I mean, what the heck, if it improves your quality of life...

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--"The best phrase I get to use all year in World History: 'Friendly Monkey General.' I think that would be a great name for a band, you could have a chimp with an army helmet giving the thumbs up as your logo.
--"Dharma, it's not just for Jenna Elfman anymore."
--"Yes, amazing as it is, the entire movie is just the Bhagavad-Gita with golf and Will Smith."
--"If the Mahabharata is a TV series, then the Bhagavad-Gita is its very special episode.
--"OK, so apparently the cow is sacred, but they will eat chicken."

From AP US History:
--A Bob Newhart style phone call between Robert Livingston and TJ telling him to come up with the 15 large for Louisiana.
--"So the difference between a civil war and a revolution is who wins, right?"

Random Simpsons Quote:
Waiter: "Excellent, Lobster, stuffed with tacos."

Bob Davie's Football 101: The screen package
Just another in a continuing series of plays Michigan will run as long as Zebras roam the earth!

Whitlock: College athletes already paid in full
I just call your attention to the article because I want to mention how much I miss this look for the Wolverine cagers.

What's hot, not for the week
"Finally, if you're looking for a jersey to take a flier on, try Detroit No. 3 Joey Harrington. No, not because he nor the team is going to find on-field success; with Eminem's hugely anticipated film 8 Mile set to hit movie theaters this fall, Detroit will be the next Hotlanta. At least, that's what our friends near the runway are saying ..."

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
Willingham: game vs. Williams 'points to a shortcoming'

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good (Serious one): abnormal heart exam.
Red Wings send Fischer for medical tests

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
IOC Inspectors Satisfied with Athens Progress
OK, you can live...for now.

'Snow White' to Don Black Robe to Reprise Film Role
Yep, dude, only one way to make it better...Ninja Dwarfs.

Natalie Merchant Opposes Plant
But on good news, she's OK with Page...

Laura Bush Drops by Sesame Street
Jenna and Barbara, sadly, were kicked out of Hooper's due to a small fake ID incident.

Gun-Toting Brazilian Forces DJ to Play His Album
"I'll take Brendan Fraser movies for two hundred please Alex."

Man Slices Off Four Body Parts
He was just trying to make sausage and well, you know.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contest Time:
The Head Keenan said to me today during Sunday Ticket: "You know, next year, we should do one of those Cut-Throat pick 'em pools" and I said "Hey, we're only going into Week 3, let's do one now."

So, here's how it works (and if you have friends who would want to play, just give them my email address over there and forward this entry to them)

For the next 15 weeks, you pick two NFL teams to win their football games. If one wins, you get two points, if both win that week, you get five points.

Here's the catch, you CANNOT pick those teams again during the season, win or lose. By picking two teams a week, you're down to having a grand total of four teams to pick from for Week 17. So, it will be VERY interesting.

To play:
Send me the following in an email:
Your name
Your hometown
Your email address (OK, that will be pretty apparent)
Your week 3 picks.

I'll send out results next Tuesday and then you can just email me your next week's picks off that, etc.

The week's pick deadline is 10 minutes before the first kickoff of the week.

If you have any questions, please feel free to email me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome Aboard
Better late than never, an amazing insight into a truly amazing person I am proud to call my friend, Big Bird's Journal from the Pride of Minnesota, Alexis Mansfield

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by a sense of nostalgia: It began on June 10, 1999 and after a two year hiatus, made its return on June 10, 2002...It will end September 24, 2002...

Conan O'Brien's entire run as Host of Late Night...
The entire Clinton Administration
Tom Hanks has won two Oscars.
The Florida Marlins played their first game, AND won their first World Series.
The debut of ESPN2, Fox Sports Network, and CNN/SI (and entire run of the existence of CNN/SI)
The whole O.J. chase/trial/hoopla.
Tom Hanks' transformation from former TV comedian into two time Oscar winner.
This excellent exchange: "Hello Sting? Yeah, do you have Peter Gabriel's number? Get a pen."
A Baseball Strike, a Basketball Lockout, and a NHL Strike.
The retirement of Gary Larson from the Far Side.
The entire run of The Critic.
The first Presidential impeachment trial of the century.
The death of Richard Nixon.
7 cast changes on Law and Order. (That's now 10, by the way)
Cal Ripken's breaking of Lou Gerhig's consecutive game's streak, as well as his first trip to the DL.
The Reform Party garnered double digit popular support in a Presidential election and then a former professional wrestler became governor of Minnesota.
The entire run of Friends.
R.E.M. releases Monster, New Adventures in Hi-Fi, and Up, has a member retire, has three members undergo surgery, and appears on Sesame Street.
Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" was voted Detroit's coolest Flashback twice (1998, 1999)
Wayne State changed it's nickname from Tartars to Warriors.
The Blair Government
America learns of this thing called the "Y2k" Bug.
Tom Cruise's five straight 100 million dollar movie string, which should end any day now...
The Pentium, Pentium Pro, Pentium II, and Pentium III (and now Pentium 4).
The introduction of "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" into the American cultural landscape.
The introduction of and .
Jamal Anderson and Terrell Davis' entire professional careers.
Three students disappeared while camping outside Burkittsville, Maryland.

(more tomorrow)

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, listening to Three Little Birds tell me every little thing, gonna be alright.

Thought for the Day: Luck of the Irishman
September 18, 2002

First things first:
Harrington to start at Ford Field opener
Sometimes, the article says it all for you: "The Lions haven't had a quarterback play in the Pro Bowl since Greg Landry in 1971 and have not had long-term stability at the position since Bobby Layne started from 1951 until Detroit won the NFL title in 1957. Since then, the Lions have used more than 20 starting quarterbacks -- and have won only one playoff game." Check the Peter Gabriel moment today for it, because, oy.

Alleged 'take his knees out' rant angers Vick
Well, now the Chicagoans and the ATL have a score to settle.

Raiders' Woodson out 3-6 weeks
Damn...Tough break, literally.

Twins' first win since clinching proves costly
If you can't win games, hurt those who have a chance?

Ex-commissioner says Selig waited Bush out to become Commissioner
Hmm, you know, if Dubya loses in 2004, Commissioner Bush?

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--Half-Day, so nothing too interesting

From AP US History:
"Outlines are like a road map for a trip you have already taken, you think you know where you want to go, but maybe you find a better road on the trip."

Random Simpsons Quote:
Homer: "We're rich, richer than astronauts!"

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
Voracious Fish Wiped Out in Md.

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: Ewing Named Wizards Coach, Does Not Rule Out Playing
You did just retire, right, I mean, boxers have retirements that last longer.

'Over' and Out
You know, I already have two seasons worth of episodes of "That `90s Show" ready to go in my head, including where the suburban Detroit kids camp out all-night for Beastie Boys tickets in February, and the episode where everyone wears flannel while anticipating the CD release of Versus.

ABC to Starve Celebs for Ratings
Eventually UPN will win this one by putting Pauly Shore in the electric chair.

Boston's New Song Popular--Just Not Under The Band's Name
They should have released it under another city's name like...Chicago.

Trailer Park Bids for Historic Monument Status
Forget it Jake, its near Chinatown.

Stones 'Rock And Roll' With Bono At Chicago Show
Stevie, Bono Alert!

Studio 176: Unrequited Love
I don't agree with her, but she writes a damn good article.

AFLAC TV Commercial Degrades Ducks
And your trivia questions suck too.

Hide Your Prying Eyes: Four tips for secret surfing.
Putting way too much thought into porn surfing.

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
No Doubt, Bush Singers Wed
(I am shocked more on this one because I thought it had already happened!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contest Time:
The Head Keenan said to me today during Sunday Ticket: "You know, next year, we should do one of those Cut-Throat pick 'em pools" and I said "Hey, we're only going into Week 3, let's do one now."

So, here's how it works (and if you have friends who would want to play, just give them my email address over there and forward this entry to them)

For the next 15 weeks, you pick two NFL teams to win their football games. If one wins, you get two points, if both win that week, you get five points.

Here's the catch, you CANNOT pick those teams again during the season, win or lose. By picking two teams a week, you're down to having a grand total of four teams to pick from for Week 17. So, it will be VERY interesting.

To play:
Send me the following in an email:
Your name
Your hometown
Your email address (OK, that will be pretty apparent)
Your week 3 picks.

I'll send out results next Tuesday and then you can just email me your next week's picks off that, etc.

The week's pick deadline is 10 minutes before the first kickoff of the week.

If you have any questions, please feel free to email me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by well, any company that makes revolving doors.

Erik Kramer, Rodney Peete, Andre Ware, Scott Mitchell, Dave Krieg, Don Majkowski, Kent Graham, Frank Reich, Charlie Batch, Gus Frerotte, Stoney Case, Ty Detmer, Mike McMahon, and now, Joey Harrington. 14 starting quarterback for the Detroit Lions.

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, penciled in to start for the Lions at QB sometime in November, right after Noel Erinjeri.

Thought for the Day: Happy Birthday US Constitution, you look good for 215
September 17, 2002

First things first:
The Constitution of the United States, ratified today in 1787
215 years, 27 amendments. Damn, the Framers did a good job.

The Sporting Blotter:
Police defend use of pepper spray at MNF
For those of you who are stating that Al Michaels was overreacting, in retrospect yes, at the time, his guarded explanations were exactly what I wanted.

NFL defends strict uniform policy as Redman faces fine.
Apparently, the price of success is facism.

Alabama, Kentucky lose NCAA appeals
I'll believe it when I see it, but: "But for the unequivocal cooperation of the university, it's very clear the death penalty most probably would have been imposed,'' said Clemson athletic director Terry Don Phillips, chairman of the Division I Infractions Appeals Committee.

Ewing closes book on 17-year career
Of course, as Cardinal pointed out, he should have done this two years ago.

Sports Guy: Jumping to conclusions after Week 2
TMQ: Florida foibles and football fumbles
I point out Simmons because his column has the feel of 24 Hour Football Person and the call of inviting Matt Millen to play in your fantasy league. God, Bill and Az suck.

I point out TMQ for this photo, which the Head Keenan called on Sunday.

The Spurrier face-tracker
Marty, you lost your crown as goofy facial expression king.

Tulsa drills to the top of the Bottom 10
Schadenfreude Alert!!!!!! Look who's #10!

ESPN NFL Power Rankings: Week 2
Now, see, this week, we DESERVE to be #32.

Today's highlights:
From World History:
* "Did you know if you followed 8 Mile all the way out across Lake Michigan, it's the Illinois/Wisconsin border?"
An insane analogy to explain the Indian caste system's untouchables to an episode of the cartoon Recess.

From AP US History:
* A little skit called "Patrick Henry, the original gangsta rapper." No, I can't explain it, it involves me saying boy! and yo yo yo! a lot while barking and saying the phrase "If this be treason dogs, make the most of it!"

Random Simpsons Quote:
Mayor Quimby: "Can't we have just one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
110 Denver Airport Workers Arrested

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: sent the point guard back to Sacramento on Tuesday after he failed his physical.
Cavaliers Send Cleaves Back to Kings

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
The Sopranos Draws Record Audience

Enron Puts 'Crooked E' Sign Up for Sale
Irony...Irony

Oktoberfest Bans Garish World Trade Center Mural
Oh, those wacky Germans...

Candidate Admits Brush with Pot
Someone got the idea to ask him when he saw the P-Funk CD's in his collection.

Marley's 'No Woman, No Cry' Heads Jamaica Top 40
Well, you can't say they picked a bad choice. But where did I miss this ""One Love," a call for peace and unity named by Time magazine as its song of the century, at No. 4" Wow, Time...Wow...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contest Time:
The Head Keenan said to me today during Sunday Ticket: "You know, next year, we should do one of those Cut-Throat pick 'em pools" and I said "Hey, we're only going into Week 3, let's do one now."

So, here's how it works (and if you have friends who would want to play, just give them my email address over there and forward this entry to them)

For the next 15 weeks, you pick two NFL teams to win their football games. If one wins, you get two points, if both win that week, you get five points.

Here's the catch, you CANNOT pick those teams again during the season, win or lose. By picking two teams a week, you're down to having a grand total of four teams to pick from for Week 17. So, it will be VERY interesting.

To play:
Send me the following in an email:
Your name
Your hometown
Your email address (OK, that will be pretty apparent)
Your week 3 picks.

I'll send out results next Tuesday and then you can just email me your next week's picks off that, etc.

The week's pick deadline is 10 minutes before the first kickoff of the week.

If you have any questions, please feel free to email me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by Fielding Yost...

93 wins, 29 losses and 3 ties for Michigan Football
1992: 9-0-3, 1993: 8-4-0, 1994: 8-4-0, 1995: 9-4-0, 1996: 8-4, 1997: 12-0, 1998: 10-3, 1999: 10-2, 2000: 9-3, 2001: 8-4, 2002: 2-1 so far

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, Mayor of the Friendzone

Thought for the Day: Can we make sure that 220 billion dollar check clears?
September 16, 2002

First things first:
U.S. Says It Can Afford a War with Iraq
A war with a bigger nation though has to wait until those tax checks clear...

24 hour football person:
Thursday: Stevenson Freshman Football in the Press Box running the clock, Al York runs back an INT for a TD late in the fourth to seal it for the Wee Spartans, 20-13 over Plymouth HS.

Friday: Stevenson's Varsity gets it done again, moving to 3-0 with a five point win over Walled Lake Western. Salem's up next.

Saturday: At the Country House with Cardinal and The Lord of the Manor
California/Michigan State: (As bad as Michigan looked, State looked worse, so, well, I found it comforting. How about those Probie Bears?)

Michigan/Notre Dame
This gets its own 24-hour football person special...
First of all, Michigan played like a high school team, mistakes upon mistakes, and yet, they darn near won, so, it is for that reason that the Big Ten officiating crew better have the "Apology Form Letter Generator" plugged in and fired up. A Phantom touchdown, a phantom pass interference, and a phantom delay of game. There's the luck of the Irish and then there is pure incompetence on the part of the officials. But, for as many Michigan/Notre Dame games as I have watched, its always something like this, so well, forget it Jake, it's South Bend.

But, that isn't the best part. The "Madman Across the Weekend" award goes to Notredame Broadcasting Corporation (NBC) color commentator Pat Haden for these insightful comments:
"As long as zebras roam the earth, Michigan is going to try to establish the run."
Can anyone please explain to me why its Zebras? I mean, Zebras. I have spent two days thinking about this and I can't come up with the answer.

Gratuitous use of the word "atonement"
Which prompted Cardinal to point out that if Michigan wasn't careful, they were going to get a 15-yard penalty for selling indulgences.

After discussing Michigan O-lineman Tony Pape, dubbed "Fat Elvis" by his teammates "Much like Elvis, you know, pork chops at the Last Supper and all."
This scared me on two levels. One: Jesus was probably keeping kosher, right? Two: How do Elvis, pork chops, and the Last Supper go together?

So, Michigan loses and falls probably to where it should be in the rankings, so, well, hopefully John Navarre figures out how to throw, Chris Perry how to hold on to the ball, Phillip Brabbs how to kick consistently, and State still was worse.

Back to watching other things:
Washington State/Ohio State (I pray Michigan can still stop the run come November)
Georgia/South Carolina (The monsoon conditions of this game were nice)
Nebraska/Penn State (I have never rooted so hard for JoePa in my life. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.)
Louisville/Colorado State (Nice rebound for the Rams)

Game I wish I had seen: Utes coach McBride says ref may have had Arizona on his mind
I love the phrase "big-time"

Sunday (at "the Country House" with the the Tsarista, the Head Keenan, the Lord of the Manor and Sunday Ticket):
Carolina 31, Detroit 7
That's it, we have hit rock bottom. There has never been anything worse. Rodney Peete, 36-year old Rodney Peete threw for 300 yards for the first time since 1993, McMahon was sacked like 74 times, Jason Hanson can't kick 70 yard field goals, we make Julius Peppers looks like the second coming of LT, and Joey Heisman looks as lame as anything. Mike McMahon is the only one showing any heart, and now we discover today that Kerwin Blaise is out for the year. We are staring an 0-16 season in the face...I have seen the future, and it scares the hell out of me.)

The rest of the NFL
Chicago 14, Atlanta 13 (A solid finish, too bad Feely couldn't seal the deal for the ATL)
Cleveland 20, Cincinnati 7 (Hardly watched it, but the Brownies recovered nicely, then again, it is just Cincinnati)
Dallas 21, Tennessee 13 (This game was on?)
Miami 21, Indianapolis 13 (I still think the NFL blew it by not letting Peyton wear the Unitas kicks. A League that ignores its history is doomed to repeat it.)
Jacksonville 23, Kansas City 16 (Uh oh, Fred Taylor looks healthy!)
New Orleans 35, Green Bay 20 (This has to be one of the scariest color combo games ever, cheddar and green versus gold and black)
New England 44, NY Jets 7 (Tom Brady, you made me look like a freaking genius. You the man!)
Tampa Bay 25, Baltimore 0 (Chucky reminds Balmer that they still have no O)
Arizona 24, Seattle 13 (Head Keenan: "Dear God, it's like the Seahawks went crazy with the Cornflower Blue Crayola!")
NY Giants 26, St. Louis 21 (Wow, someone call CSI, we can't find the Rams offense. You already have Grissom on your sideline.)
San Diego 24, Houston 3 (Houston, you have a problem)
Denver 24, San Francisco 14 (Hmm, Brian Griese or Tom Brady, which Michigan QB would you rather now have?)
Buffalo 45, Minnesota 39 (Best game of the day, Mike Hollis hitting the crossbar and it tipping over for a career long.)
Oakland 30, Pittsburgh 17 (Rich Gannon has lost his right arm, thank goodness that it's bionic. He threw for 400 freaking yards with like 60 throws. Was Callahan developing his game plan in Madden?.)

Fantasy Football Update:
I beat Delano in the QBFL (it was a tight one, Tom Brady made me look like a genius) and again, I got other things done too, so woo-hoo!

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--Test day, so nothing much.

From AP US History:
--"Yep, General Wolfe died to make the world safe for tourist brochures."
--"Because I like having summers off and you guys seem to enjoy me." (Answering one of the questions "Do you like your job, because it seems like you have so much more potential than being a teacher." This says something about America, I think.

Random Simpsons Quote:
Ralph Wiggum: Me fail english? That's unpossible!

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
'Frasier' Steals 'Mary Tyler Moore' Emmy Record

Former astronaut advises girls to plot technical career course
She was also shilling for Staples, right?

Mick Jagger's Knighthood Almost Derailed Rolling Stones Tour
Hmm, Sir Keith Richards...Could it be any worse than Sir Toby Belch, or Sir John Flastaff?

Brown, Randa help Royals win second straight
Wait, the Tigers are still playing? Wow.

Forget Europe, this is derby day
Cardinal pulled this one for me. For those of you that speak German, look very closely at one of the scarves there in the third picture. Yes, that is "Yankees suck" on a whole other level. By the way, since I have been asked several times, it's when two teams from the same city play each other. It's the soccer equivalent of Mets/Yankees or Michigan/Michigan State football.

Is London Fashion Show Irrelevant?
Never ask a question you don't want the answer to...

Howard Stern's 'Son of the Beach' Washed Up at FX
'Insomnia' Yes, 'Bots' No at Comedy Central
Hmm, perhaps you could make Battle Son of the Beach Bots out of this?

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: "I would like to challenge Kermit to a boxing match with all the proceeds going to charity."
Vertical Horizon Records Xmas Song, Challenges Kermit To Fight

'Mile High Club' Forces Airplane Refit
Oy vey, I mean, ugh...

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Deep links spark fight on content at Web site

---

Contest Time:
The Head Keenan said to me today during Sunday Ticket: "You know, next year, we should do one of those Cut-Throat pick 'em pools" and I said "Hey, we're only going into Week 3, let's do one now."

So, here's how it works (and if you have friends who would want to play, just give them my email address over there and forward this entry to them)

For the next 15 weeks, you pick two NFL teams to win their football games. If one wins, you get two points, if both win that week, you get five points.

Here's the catch, you CANNOT pick those teams again during the season, win or lose. By picking two teams a week, you're down to having a grand total of four teams to pick from for Week 17. So, it will be VERY interesting.

To play:
Send me the following in an email:
Your name
Your hometown
Your email address (OK, that will be pretty apparent)
Your week 3 picks.

I'll send out results next Tuesday and then you can just email me your next week's picks off that, etc.

The week's pick deadline is 10 minutes before the first kickoff of the week.

If you have any questions, please feel free to email me.

---

Welcome Aboard!
Mr. President, our own Grosse Pointe Blank, the Aero Engineer, Geoff Zmyslowski

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by M&M's. Don't blame the candy for the Lions' suckitude.

72 wins, 90 losses by the Detroit Lions for a .444 winning percentage...Man, are they incompetent!

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, football masochist.

Thought for the Day: A stacked house against Rip.
September 12, 2002

First things first:
Pistons send Jerry Stackhouse to Wizards in six player deal for Rip Hamilton.
I don't know enough about the League to know if this is a good trade, but the NBA's eighth best GM Joe D seems to know what he is doing, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt.

Colts legend Johnny Unitas passes away at 69.
My question is, does Baltimore or the Colts memorialize him on their jerseys this season? Do the Chargers get involved?

Last charges being dropped vs. Iverson
Well, gee, thanks for the image assault guys. It did wonders for my thug life.

Heisman winner Crouch retiring from Rams
"Eric, Line 2, it's Chuck Long."

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--Apparently ripping off Bill Cosby, it was the conversation between God and a skeptical Abraham about being the new leader of "the chosen people."
--The finer points of sword fighting, slashing versus stabbing.

From AP US History:
Student #1: "Robble robble."
Me: "Wait, like "Hamburglar testifies before Senate sub-committee?"
Student #1: "No, more like 'What is this legislature doing to apprehend the Hamburglar?' "

Random Simpsons Quote:
Grandpa watches Super Bowl III: "Now, Johnny Unitas ... there's a haircut you could set your watch to!"

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
Bush Announces $180 Million for Afghan Roads

Reno refuses to concede Florida Primary.
Meanwhile, Will Ferrell is threatening to start Reno Time back up.

Warren Zevon Has Terminal Lung Cancer
Just sad news, really.

And Rock's Vilest Villain Is...
Come on, who among us didn't think the answer was going to be Carson Daly.

Eerie 9-1-1 Lottery Draws Interest
I don't think having John Travolta draw the numbers last night was such a good idea.

Is the Great Art of 9/11 Already in Place?
Hmm, he may be on to something, the reflection of 9/11 lies not in art, but in the old art which served to comfort us.

The Great Pop vs. Soda Controversy...
I had mentioned this in AP the other day and then Alexis comes through with the proof.

Tough Indianapolis market could land Colts in LA
Hmm, that means swapping the Chiefs for the Colts in the AFC West, well, that sort of works actually, so...

Players unhappy as sod slips during season opener at SimFiasco, I mean, Paul Brown Stadium
I just love this quote from an NFL player: "We were like, 'Golly, it's our first game and the grass is like this?''' Houshmandzadeh said.

Pitt long snapper's jersey number draws flags
Oops...

Dele lived life the right way: his way
It's when you read stories like this that you feel bad for making fun of people.

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: "succeeded in growing major parts of penises in the laboratory"
Research Holds Hope for Genitally Challenged Men

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Waves Sparked by Boredom?

Welcome Aboard:
The leader of the new Dirty Midwest movement, the Daily Arts and New Media Editor, our Chelsea boy, my teammate Ryan "Ryab" Blay

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by The Criminalistics Department of the Las Vegas Police Department. Only the could figure out this crime...

Bobby Ross' reign as Lions' coach.

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, stopping the clock...starting the clock...stopping the clock.

Thought for the Day: Come on up for the rising.
September 10, 2002

First things first:
My one and only September 11 post.
I love quotations. They have a way of encapsulating my feelings by stating things better said by others. I have chosen some quotes that remind me of things that I have either come to realize in the past year since the tragic events of that day, or things that embody my hope for the future of America and the world. Oh and by the way, don't try to read anything into my "politics" here, you won't be able to figure it out. With that:

"Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime."
--Adlai E. Stevenson

"We dare not forget today that we are the heirs of that first revolution. Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans—born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this nation has always been committed and to which we are committed today at home and around the world. Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty."
--John F. Kennedy; January 20, 1961

"I love America more than any other country in this world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually."
--James A. Baldwin

"Living well is the best revenge."
--George Herbert

"Peace and friendship with all mankind is our wisest policy, and I wish we may be permitted to pursue it."
--Thomas Jefferson

"The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either."
--Benjamin Franklin

"If you're going through hell, keep going."
--Sir Winston Churchill

"We are not deceived by their pretenses to piety. We have seen their kind before. They are the heirs of all the murderous ideologies of the 20th century. By sacrificing human life to serve their radical visions -- by abandoning every value except the will to power -- they follow in the path of fascism, and Nazism, and totalitarianism. And they will follow that path all the way, to where it ends: in history's unmarked grave of discarded lies."
--George Walker Bush, September 20, 2001.

"If Boston rooted for gravity, we would all be floating three feet off the ground."
--SNL's Seth Meyers on why the Yankees were losing the World Series, because BoSox fans had taken to caring about the Yanks.

"There are not many who remember, they say a handful still survive, to tell the world about, the way the lights went out and keep the memory alive."
--Billy Joel

"You can stand me up at the gates of Hell, but I won't back down No, I'll stand my ground, won't be turned around, and I'll keep this world from draggin' me down, I won't back down."
--Tom Petty

"Everything can change, in a New York Minute."
--Don Henley

"And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks, you can only take so much, walk on."
--Paul Hewson

"Let's roll"
--Todd Beamer

We now return to your regular blog:

NFL Power Rankings: Lions #32
OK, here are the reasons that the Leos aren't the worst team in the league:
We didn't lose to a team that had never won an NFL game.
We didn't score just six points while losing to the Bolts at home.
We don't lose to Rodney Peete.
That makes us at least #29, right?

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--"You know, they send those guys out in the hurricane for footage for The Weather Channel and they ask them what it's like and I just want one time for one of them to say 'Well Bob, it's wet.' "

From AP US History:
"It's not you guys against each other, it's not you guys against me, it's us against the test. And it is a ferocious enemy. But of you trust me, if you believe in me and in yourselves, if you have faith that I know what I am doing and I want to see you succeed as much as you want to, we can beat this thing, we'll spend months training for this fight and we'll win."
A surreal exchange that involved Sir Simon Milligan, Stummies, "it was only a couple of flipper babies", "Your honor, I am not an experienced cannibal! I did not get on that plane expecting to eat ANYONE!" My only regret was not slipping "You thanked Hitler!" into the mix.
The new motto for the class: "Analyze, don't summarize."

Random Simpsons Quote:
Homer: "The only evil thing here is the gambling monster that has your mother! I call him Gamblor!"

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
Ex-Astronaut Aldrin Accused of Punching Man
Buzz, as a person who spent an entire day of U.S. History undoing the damage of this guy's Fox special and a drafting teacher's lecture, I thank you.

UN Welcomes Switzerland as Its 190th Member
Switzerland would have been a UN member sooner but it got stuck in that nasty Midtown traffic.

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: American Idol Winner Kelly Clarkson Signs With RCA Records
American Idol Winner Kelly Clarkson Signs With RCA Records

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Florida Polls Report Serious Problems

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, budding John Bartlett

Thought for the Day: Ooh the storm is threatening, my very life today
September 9, 2002

First things first:
Brian Murphy's The Water Cooler on my all-time favorite Stones song: "Gimme Shelter"
(Side note: Driving the streets of San Francisco the other day, radio on, I was reminded that Stones' tunes begin and end with the underrated greatness of "Gimme Shelter." Listen to it again. Tell yourself that the first 60 seconds of "Gimme Shelter" should not open every major sporting event you've ever attended -- especially the 60 seconds before an NBA Finals game, or a baseball playoff game. End of side note.)

And of course, because it's Murphy, I had to respond (yes, I have this much free time)
I once tried to make a voice mail message where the opening of "Gimme Shelter" was playing in the background. It worked perfectly in Goodfellas and it worked perfectly in that great American Red Cross disaster relief ad that had all of these musicians pitching in to help move this group of people out of a storm. I think the problem is that when people of a certain age hear the phrase "Gimme Shelter", they immediately think "Guy gets stabbed at Altamont" and not of the amazing slow build of the guitars or the storm like sound, like you know something is coming:

There is only one other song that has this power and the NFL picked up on it last year by happenstance when U2 did the Super Bowl show. Remember those NFL Playoffs 2002 ads where you heard that low slow build of the deep hand bongos and the creep of the Edge's guitar work and you just are amazed at "Until the End of the World." Both have that apocalyptic feel to them that make them foreboding, a slow build of something coming to a head."

Hey, Happy Birthday Mom!

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--"I am perfectly fluent in whine, but that doesn't mean that I want to hear you speak it."
--"OK, so after about 500 years, a 365 day calendar would be about 4 months off, so if it's September now, it would be like Month 13, S'March."

From AP US History:
"The following witches were not tried in Salem: Samantha Stevens, Sabrina Spellman, Phoebe, Paige or Piper Halliwell, Marge Simpson, you get the picture."
"You know, of all of my favorite trials by ordeal, I still really think crushed by heavy stones is my favorite."
"There's an old saying, you can tell a Yale man, but you can't tell him much. You know, I once had a prof at Michigan who would mention that he went to Yale in every class we were in. This is not the best strategy to impress a Michigan kid."

24 hour football person:
Saturday: At the Home Office
Michigan/Western Michigan (a pseudo blow-out, but Michigan still needs a kicking game that is consistent)
over to Notre Dame/Purdue (Hey, Irish offense, don't be scared, the end zone won't hurt you. You can see it in two weeks. As for now, well, let's not talk out of school.)
down the dial to Alabama/Oklahoma (yawn, Oklahoma is rolling like the Sooner Schooner)
slipping over to Miami/Florida (Here comes the story of the Hurricanes...)
back to Alabama/OU (OK, let's see, Bama gets back in it, and OU loses the same quarterback for the OTHER ACL, oops!)
quickly to the end of BC/Stanford (Good finish!)
returning to Miami/Florida (paging Steve Spurrier...)
down to UVa/South Carolina (I only have a hazy memory of this one, as I was having a nice phone conversation with it on mute, but it looked fun...)
then finally UCLA/Colorado State (Kelso is not as good a quarterback as Rams fans had hoped. You know, that's not fair, it was just that UCLA out lasted CSU.)

Sunday (at "the Country House" with the gang and Sunday Ticket):
Lions/Dolphins: (Yep, knew it was coming)
Chargers/Bengals: (Bungles still more inept that the Leos, they lost at home to the Bolts)
Chiefs/Browns: (You know, those wacky Browns and their zany ends to home games of late. Seriously, I mean, doink. Dwayne Rudd wins this week's "Dumber than Advertised" award)
Ravens/Panthers: (Rodney Peete was Trent Dilfer before Trent Dilfer was Trent Dilfer.)
Vikings/Bears: (DT comes through!)
Falcons/Packers: (Killing me slowly with replay...)
Seahawks/Raiders: (This game was played, right...Oh yeah, the unis)
Rams/Broncos: (Someone watched the Super Bowl.)
Saints/Bucs: (Tom Tupa comes in a close second to Dwayne Rudd for DTA of the week.)
Cowboys/Texans: (Way to go, new guys! And I got my safety to complete my now I have seen everything checklist for the weekend.)

I beat Dave in the QBFL (it was a good one) and I got other things done too, so woo!

Bonus baby: Dolphins rework Williams' deal
Don't go nuts, you only beat the Lions.

By the way, glad to see that the new cheese quesadilla at Taco Bell has brought us the all important fourth dimensional, non-Euclidian snacking.

Hicks wants to sell Stars, focus on Texas Rangers
Spot check...Dallas Stars' Stanley Cups on your watch: 1. Texas Rangers' Playoff Series Wins on your watch: 0 Yeah Tom, stick with the winner.

Page 2: Worst college football teams of all time
Scarlet Knights rule the Bottom 10
Maize and Blue Paladin, your thoughts??

Just a thought: After MNF intro tonight, Dennis Hopper should open all NFL games with a story...

Michigan Anxious to Renew Irish Rivalry
You're damn straight we are...

Braves await the inevitable: 11th straight division title
ZZZZZZZZ

Random Simpsons Quote:
Homer: "Marge, you just don't understand football."

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
Posthumous Harrison Album Set for November Release

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: Webb, a freshman who was playing his first game, was admitted to Evanston Hospital with a lacerated liver.
Northwestern QB Webb out with lacerated liver
Tiger Lily, Smooth, this is not a good thing for your guys in Chicagoland. I mean, OUCH!

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Webber indicted for lying to grand jury
And the story never ends...

Special Edition of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Lance Bass Space Trip Officially Off

Gordon Lightfoot Recovering From Surgery
Get well soon, Gord.

D'oh! There's One Tiny Flaw in This Plan...
And so you see Lone Star that good will always triumph, because evil is dumb.

Welcome Aboard:
Yes, if you were wondering, it is a cold day in Hell, as we officially welcome aboard The Head Keenan with the simple phrase "It's not me, it's him, right?"

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by Delta Airlines, who have are featuring the entirity of Up on their flights through Halloween.

Contiential and Northwest start "code sharing."

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, lover of that little clarion call that let's you know it's Monday Night Football

Thought for the Day: But I do still like you, all of you...
September 6, 2002

First things first:
Unsuspecting High School Teacher has Yahoo! Mail Account hacked while out of his classroom.
Yeah, I know, it's my fault for leaving my mail program up after school, but it's just annoying to consider that while I was taking a parental phone call, someone, most likely a student, was in my Yahoo! account sending fake email messages to the people in my address book that said I didn't like them anymore. I have solved the problem, no more address book, and trust me, if there ever comes a day where I don't like one of you anymore, there will be far more invective than a simple one-liner.

Americans won't medal at Basketball Worlds, best possible finish fifth
And a resounding "So what?" goes up from America. Amazingly, I only caught the last minute of this game when my TiVo bumped me off the Niners/Giants game to tape the 11:00 pm Law & Order repeat on TNT.

Today's highlights:
From World History:
Nothing, Sam Waterston narrated the "Egypt: The Quest for Immortality" video, part of the fine Time-Life Lost Civilizations series.

From AP US History:
The explanation of the Kevin Pollack method of achieving a sound Clinton impression, taking Jimmy Carter and Elvising it up.
The explanation of how the Clinton thumb into the index finger is the greatest hand gesture in the history of the world.
The explanation of how to read political cartoons for the AP Test (parts 1 and 2 stemmed from this)

Random Simpsons Quote:
Homer: "Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them..."

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
Ground Zero Photos to be Restored

Changing times: PETA wants 'Soysage' in Miller Park race
Normally, I would mock PETA at this point, largely because I am not too keen on vegetarians, well, vegetarians who get all holier than thou on you. In this rare case though, PETA's logic makes sense here. All they want is a fifth sausage added to the race to represent the new product at Miller Park, which I can't say would be a bad idea. Besides, the more sausages, the more chaos.

Bob Davie's Football 101: In the box
Oh, can we please get "John Cooper's Football 645: Getting so close to your goals, only to have them fed to the Wolverines."

Iginla's new deal worth $13 million and Theodore's new deal worth $16.5 million
As a hockey fan, I like this, it means that both players and Canadian teams agreed to do the smart thing and compromises before things got ugly.

B.I.G. Linked to 2Pac's Death
As Cardinal points out..."I wonder about the credibility, because everybody is dead that they name, and technically, you can say anything you want about the dead."

Fed Up with TV Porn, French Want It Banned
"With television now showing 950 X-rated and violent films a month..." This breaks down to over 30 a day, over one an hour.

Shameless Plugs: Teammate Division:
An all around bad effort ruins ‘Swimfan’

Well, at least he's honest:
"We're doing it for the free beer and the police escort."
--Jon Bon Jovi, joking with the New York Post about why his band played a Times Square concert to kick off the NFL season.

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: "Volunteers counted dead hedgehogs and other mammals on roads across Britain last year."
Hedgehogs Face Thorny Future

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Brewers, Pirates will gain most from new revenue-sharing plan
You mean the Brewers will stand to gain the most money from Major League Baseball?

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by Internet Firewall Passwords...Gotta start logging out.

The movie Hackers

That's all for today, until Monday,
I am Craig Barker, a molecule in the concrete of this city.

Thought for the Day: We need Gauchos, stat
September 5, 2002

First things first:
U.S. loses to Argentina, 87-80.
Note to Argentina, you did not beat the Dream Team, you beat the All-NBA third team.
Good news is, the Pistons found yet another point guard.

Abreu feasts on Expos in front of 1,000 fans
Damn, this was the wake.

Fearless Prediction: NFL Season Variety:
AFC
AFC East: Miami Dolphins
AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers
AFC South: Tennessee Titans
AFC West: Oakland Raiders
AFC Wild Cards: Cleveland Browns, New England Patriots

NFC
NFC East: Philadelphia Eagles
NFC North: Green Bay Packers
NFC South: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
NFC West: St. Louis Rams
NFC Wild Cards: San Francisco 49ers, Washington Redskins

AFC Champion: Pittsburgh Steelers
NFC Champion: Green Bay Packers
Super Bowl XXXVII Champions: Green Bay Packers

NFL Coach of the Year: Jon "Chucky" Gruden
NFL MVP: Brett Favre
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Jeremy Shockey

Lions Record: 6-10 wins over @Carolina, Green Bay, @Buffalo, @Champaign, New England, @Arizona, but in typical Leos fashion, they will lose the bye.

The only way to win is not to play
Well, at least the Leos were eliminated in round 1 of this exercise.

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--"It's not the opposite of what you're thinking, it's just counter-intuitive."

From AP US History:
Fee-Fi-Fo-Rum, the story of the Great Boston Molasses flood of 1919

Random Simpsons Quote:
U.S. Ambassador: Soviet Union, I thought you guys broke up?
Soviet Ambassador: Yes, that's what we wanted you to think.

Hatteberg's heroic blast wins 20th straight for A's
Clearly, I think the A's are just teasing fate at this point in the streak.

Good luck charm? Homer Hankies back for Twins
Well, if the A's don't hit blackjack tomorrow night, we'll blame the Homer Hankies.

Bush to OK Guns for Airline Pilots
Do I need to send President Bush a tape of Goldfinger, or at least, just the end, to show why this could become a bad idea, even if Pussy Galore is your pilot.
My compromise...Tasers.

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
Famous Sept. 11 Flag Disappears

U.S. Wrestling Coach Bemoans Absence from Tehran
He's right, we would have. But we'll never know.

Rob Lowe May Return to The West Wing
Sam, there's a Col. Henry Blake on the phone for you?

ABC Gets Pushy as It Promos New 'Push' Show
That's good, but what would have been better, attacking the Today Show.

Coldplay's 'Rush' Debuts At Number Five
OK, clearly, this is a victory for modern rock, and that is a sad sad state of affairs.

'Bridges of Madison County' Span Burns
Some days, the jokes write themselves.

Sears Pulls T-Shirts After Mental Health Outcry
I still prefer T-Shirt Hell for all of my offensive T-Shirt needs.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your New York Devil Rays!
Brick, they are stealing your ideas.

Snap Out of It!
Who the hell does this? Women, can you check in on this one?

TFTD Mailbag:
The Wizard of Babson Park comes up with the most plausible explanation to yesterday's Missouri question:
Is your Missouri-answering student a Mormon perhaps?
Someone has to ask a recalcitrant question tomorrow...

By the way people, for criminy's sake, please sign my GUESTMAP!
Many of you have, but you know me, I am a geography junkie.

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: "At 58, Richards lurched across the stage like a crippled spider"
Roaring Fans Lap Up Rolling Stones' 'Licks'

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
All teams -- except Yankees -- OK labor deal

Are Weblogs Changing Our Culture?
I dunno, it's sucking up an hour of my day each weekday that I would have normally piddled away...so?
By the way, why can't we call them webl (pronounced Weebles) instead?

Welcome Aboard:
Maryland's answer to "This One Time, at Band Camp..."Jessie Connolly

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by

The Rise, and Fall, of Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich.

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, The Terrible Swede.

Thought for the Day: Ahh, more reasons to hate the French...
September 4, 2002

First things first:
Survey: Europeans Say U.S. Partly to Blame for 9/11
"The highest percentage of those who thought Washington should blame itself for the attacks was in France, at 63 percent, while the lowest was in Italy, at 51 percent."
I believe Hank Scorpio said it best: "No one ever says Italy."

Quote:
"I think it feeds people's stereotypes about country (music), and that everybody's a redneck and ignorant, and that the way we're going to deal with something is in an uneducated way."
-- Dixie Chick EMILY ROBISON, commenting on TOBY KEITH's patriotic chart-topper "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue"

Now, I am not a huge country music fan, but I have to say, my brother was upset about this, and his logic is sound. "If people didn't connect with it, it wouldn't have gone to #1."

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--It was test days, so nothing too special from me today, but fill in the blank answers can be entertaining.
In response to this question:
"This current U.S. state is the most likely place that the the first humans entered North America."
While most got the correct answer of Alaska, someone answered Missouri.

Possible methods of entry that would place these people in Missouri:
"They were mole people and tunneled up through the earth."
"Apparently, the first humans in North America were paratroopers." --Cardinal
"That's one small step for man, ONE MASSIVE LEAP for the first North Americans."

From AP US History:
Nothing special from me today...Yes, some days, I am just sort of boring.

Mountaineer will be able to fire musket at Wisconsin
Whether he hits Wisconsin will be a different story.
By the way, Understatement of the week, college football division: ''Obviously there was a segment of the population that was unhappy about it,'' Wisconsin athletic department spokesman Justin Doherty said of the initial decision.

Henson gets his first taste of the majors
Scary thought, no matter where Drew Henson plays baseball in the Majors, it will never be the largest crowd he's ever played in front of.

Commissioner favors early game for future seasons
" 'Cause all my rowdy friends are here for Thursday night..."

Colorado State knocks off Colorado, yet it's still ranked lower in both polls?
By the way, we have discovered that UCLA has a camcorder, which is why the Rams will be playing them this weekend. The last team in I-A to kick off playing a team that already has played twice. Hmm, 3-0 Rams, only time and Fox Sports Net will tell.

Random Simpsons Quote:
"Stu, you should get that jacket.
Disco Stu don't advertise."

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
TV Ignores Anniversary of Invention

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: "sprayed enough poison to kill every fish in a murky pond"
Maryland Poisons Pond to Kill Predator Snakefish

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Teen Girls Close to Mom Said Chaste

Ted Nugent Has Bargain for Lance Bass
Do you think Ted has gotten any calls for the Nugent Fantasy Camp from non-boy band sources?

Travis Song Preview To Benefit Spinal Charity
Just highlighting this.

Napster Goes Unmourned to the Grave
Or in the words of my students: "What-ster?"

Firm Sold Out-Of-Date Food as It Was 'Tasty'
Hmm, nothing says yummy like bacteria.

Ethics Programs Curtail Employee Theft?
OK, take the study with a grain of salt, it is from Ohio State.
But have you ever seen a stat that makes you wonder if it was a typo: "citing an estimate that internal theft costs American companies $400 billion annually."
Does this figure include Enron, or is it just office supplies.

Police Hire 'Eye in the Sky' to Fight Crime
Damn, it's the blimp, we must flee!

Welcome Aboard:
A couple of locals, technically one isn't a blog.
One is the Nate Dogg, Nate Meyvis and his Summer of Nate
The second is the infamous Cardinal, my longtime college roommate David Wallace, and the articles he has written for his paper, the Fraser-Clinton Township Chronicle.

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by AMC Livonia 20. We got your stadium seating right here.

Tom Hanks' back-to-back Best Actor wins.

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, anything but a Francophile.

Thought for the Day: Action Figures, we got Action Figures!
September 3, 2002

First things first:
Michigan wins a thriller 31-29 over Washington
Where to begin. If you watched it, it was the definition of an instant classic, in part because it was a balance of good plays and stupid plays, the greatest penalty in Washington football history, the worst penalty in Washington football history, and the second sport where if you go 1 for 3, you're a local hero.

Brabbs splits the uprights in second chance
Like I said, I mean, I can't even begin to imagine trying to win a game where you have 111,000 people and thousands more rabid alums watching this turn from a classic Michigan piss the game away moment into the rare Michigan pulls one out in the end moment.

ESPN GameDay hits road
It's a good article, but this makes it AMAZING...
Halftime: Corso heads back to HQ. He's hungry and spots a grill with a lone steak on it. Nobody is around. Corso takes a fork, stabs the steak off the grill.
I can't even come up with something that beats this...

Today's highlights:
From World History:
--An Artisan, that's a skilled craft worker. So this is obviously someone who makes cheese...

From AP US History:
--Test today, AP back tomorrow.

Random Simpsons Quote:
Homer: "Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!"

Do the Dwight thing: Question fodder:
China blocks Google search engine

Haiku me? No, haiku you!
The Haikus aren't good, but this makes it all worthwhile...
Of the 70 celebs who have tried to predict the score of the Super Bowl in the past two years, the only one to get it right...Ahh yes, Catherine Bell.

Tour pros next in Augusta lobbying effort
Kids, if this were a war, this is what is known as escalation.

Van Hekken shuts out Tribe in big-league debut
As they say, it's a start. 12 more to avoid 100.

Bottom 10: So long Duke, hello Arkansas St.
Where is Tulsa? I ask you!

NHL: The game beneath the big names
Item #1, just interesting...

Lightning arena renamed after the St. Petersburg Times
And now there are none.

U2's 'Best Of 1990-2000' To Feature Two New Tracks
OK, I don't get how they put this one together...
Even Better Than The Real Thing
Mysterious Ways
Beautiful Day
Electrical Storm (William Orbit Mix)
One
Miss Sarajevo
Stay (Faraway, So Close!)
Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of
Gone (new mix)
Until The End Of The World
The Hands That Built America
Discotheque (new mix)
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
Staring At The Sun (new mix)
Numb (new mix)
The First Time

Where are "Walk On" and "Elevation"? Cardinal, Stevie, thoughts?

Playwright Miller Accepts Award
The hero of Michigan English majors everywhere is feted again.

Moby Responds To Eminem's VMA Attack, Praises 'Dog-Puppet'
Love to the dog puppet!

Thief Gets Ride to Follow His Own Car Chase
"He looked like a normal modern guy." As opposed to a normal caveman.

Today's Phrase that Can Never Lead to Any Good: The pair, traveling in a new Bentley, were approached at about 3 a.m. in Brentwood by an armed man who demanded the car.
Bulls' Rose shot at, but not hit, in carjacking attempt

Today's Installment of "I am shocked, Louie, just quite simply shocked!"
Gellar, Prinze Say, 'I Do' in Mexico

And now, a new series...Things That Need to Be Made:
From McFarlane Action Figures: The Law & Order Action Figure Series (and a huge shout out to the Bonnie Scotswoman for half of these good lines.)
OK, here we go...
Sgt. Max Greevey Action Figure
Accerssories include stick up his keister.

Det. Mike Logan Action Figure
Figure comes complete with flag pin, Pizza Hut tie, and Irish temper. Special editions come with councilman punching action and map of Staten Island.

Sgt. Phil Cerreta Action Figure
Includes fuzzy Russian hat!

Det. Lennie Briscoe Action Figure
New voice chip feature allows over 10,000 one-liners while standing over the DB.

Det. Reynaldo Curtis Action Figure
Now with detachable morals and add on Catholic guilt.

Det. Ed Green Action Figure
Comes with no discernable personality what so ever.

Det. Tony Profaci Action Figure
Figure includes carry-out cup of coffee, box of donuts, and a ballistics report.

Captain Donald Cragen Action Figure
Comes with actual negative bupkis.

Lieutenant Anita Van Buren Action Figure
Figure includes desk, tiny office, and affirmative action lawsuit.

EADA Ben Stone Action Figure
Accessories include moral high horse, framed portrait of Bobby Kennedy, and XXX-ed out picture of AG Reno.

EADA Jack McCoy Action Figure
Get the complete McCoy playset. Action accessories include flask of Scotch, blue sweater for after hours wear, motorcycle helmet, and standng invitation to the Bar Association Ethics Committee. Claire Kincaid figure sold seperately.

ADA Paul Robinette Action Figure
Hard-to-find first series edition include a playable race card.

ADA Claire Kincaid Action Figure
NOW! with detachable latent feminism. Commonwealth of Massachusetts Medical Examiner's Office sold seperate.

ADA Jamie Ross Action Figure
Comes complete with Katie, custody papers, and girly attitude switch.

ADA Abbie Carmichael Action Figure
Sold only with electric chair playset. Later model figures have amazing shrinking waist.

ADA Serena Southerlyn Action Figure
Newest figure in the series, only sold with grating personality and hair-twirling action.

District Attorney Adam Schiff Action Figure
Now with extra crustiness and "hands in the air" motion.

Interim District Attorney Nora Lewin Action Figure
Figure comes with ability to phone in performance.

Dr. Elizabeth Olivet Action Figure
New voice-chip gives nothing by articulate, non-committal responses.

Dr. Emil Skoda Action Figure
Detachable beard sold seperate...

Steven Zirnkilton Action Figure
No actual figure, just a narrative voice-over chip

Things That Have Happened Since the Release of Peter Gabriel's Last Studio Album:
Today brought to you by TNT, the exclusive cable home for Law & Order

9 seasons of L&O

That's all for today, until tomorrow,
I am Craig Barker, L&O junkie.